The Ubies
Welcome to the 2003 Uborka Make It Up As You Go Along Awards. It's been a fantastic year in the blogosphere, and I'm delighted to tell you that, this afternoon, *everyone* will be a winner. Literally.
I am joined by the glamorous and lovely S, who will be presenting the awards to the lucky and deserving winners.
Our first award...
is for the Sleaziest Weblog Commenter, and of course there was absolutely no competition, this just has to be presented to Mr Adrian Sevitz. Congratulations Mr S, don't spend it all on loose women.
Next, we have the award for the Greatest Quantity of Virtual Beer Consumed in One Cocktail Hour. The competition for this was very stiff, but at the last moment, the panel has chosen to award it to the intrepid antipodean, Spengy. The trophy, in the shape of a pint glass, has many uses. I hope you appreciate them all.
Moving on, our next award is for the Most Robbed Of a Guardian Award Weblogger, which of course is presented to The Mighty Londonmark, whose prize is a map showing the location of both the Delete and the Backspace key, should he ever wish to use them. Highly commended in this category is Acerbia D, who was only pipped at the post because the panel was distracted by his artwork.
D is also runner-up in the Award for Stealing Karen's Punchline; an award for which there is no actual winner.
Pix is awarded a special prize of a lifetime supply of diet coke and a pair of earplugs, as winner in the Most Long-Suffering Girlfriend category.
The Sweariest Blog In The Country Award goes, after much deliberation, to Sweary Mary Lyle. I'm delighted to present you with a bar of Dettol Antibacterial Soap, and I hope it doesn't affect the taste of your Black Russian too much.
The coveted Best Organiser of A Bloggers Christmas Party Award is presented, with much free champagne, to those nice boys from FunJunkie.
We're delighted that our obfuscation tactics worked, because now Vaughan isn't expecting to win Best Weblog By Someone Called Vaughan, and... [drumroll]... the award goes to... [bated breath]... Vaughan! We present you with your own personal gift-wrapping service, and our best wishes.
For Services To Commenting, Nick shall receive a free blog*spot. See if you can work out what to do with it.
The award for Slightly Premature Acceptance Speech has been Huwge's from the start. There were simply no other contenders.
A special award has been created for Most Freudian Dreams, and this is being presented to Hg, with a large bottle of sleeping pills.
I am hoping that Gert has remained sufficiently sober to come and collect her award, which is for World's Shortest Blogger. No, I'm not talking about the length of her posts.
The highly sought-after Award for Creative Use of Bros Lyrics goes to Robin Preene, parent and speaker extraordinaire. We would like to present him with this charming collection of plastic cereal box toys, which can also be used as stocking fillers, if necessary.
For Getting Revenge on Glasgow Bus Drivers, or indeed any bus drivers, I'm pleased to give Pam a lovely big roll of underlay. I hope it lays very underly.
Triumph in the Unfulfilled Promise of Porn Award is obviously Lori's. congratulations, I hope you are happy with this lovely box full of HTML.
We are jointly awarding the prize for Being American to krissa and shiv, if they can tear themselves away from the bar for one moment. I'm sure you'll enjoy these first class tickets to England, where you will be met at Heathrow by chauffered limo and driven to the nearest blogmeet.
The Second-Pinkest Blog on the Web Award goes to Daisy, whose prize is a nice cup of tea.
There have been many contenders this year for Most Mourned Hiatus, but the only hiatee available to collect his award was Mike, and he'll be along shortly after midnight during the waning moon, to receive a lovely string of garlic and the cry of why don't you die?!.
I'm very happy to present the Award for Making the Most POTM Nominations to Stuart, to whom S will present a signed [by me] copy of Room At The Top, by John Braine.
To Graybo, we present the Award for Having Drinks With the Most Imaginary Friends, and his prize shall be a year's subscription to Rent-A-Crowd.
It will come as no surprise to anyone that the Best Photo of Her Own Legs Award goes to Kate, and for her prize, she can have my crazy red shoes. We'll get them cut in half by a cobbler to fit you, don't worry.
Continuing the shoe theme, as indeed we often do around here, we are presenting Anna with a pair of slippers, as her prize for Most Prolific Use of Paragraphs, which she thoroughly deserves.
There had to be an Award for Over-Use of "WOOO HOOOO", and of course it had to go to Angel, who recieves a pot to put all those surplus Os in. A large pot.
And finally, what I consider to be the most important awards of the afternoon, go to S: for not tripping over her skirt too many times while giving out awards, she shall have the man of her dreams, [insert appropriate name here]. We know you will be very happy together. The Absent Pete deserves a prize for being Best Boyfriend, but I can't divulge its nature here. And I award myself a large bloody mary for serving the best virtual cocktails on the net.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time.
Can you drink on these tablets?
Hg · December 19, 2003 15:39Course you can, Hg. Have a double.
Karen · December 19, 2003 15:40I'm sorry but I can't reach the microphone
Gert · December 19, 2003 15:45Just shout, Gert, for once. Make yourself heard, woman.
Karen · December 19, 2003 15:45Thanks.
Dr. Nick · December 19, 2003 15:45That last outfit S was wearing was a bit X-rated... not sure it was apt for a ceremony as serious as this. The nipple tassels were a nice touch though
D · December 19, 2003 15:53Awww, I wanted the hiatus one. I haven't posted for days.
Pete · December 19, 2003 15:53I won. Then I didn't win. Then I won. Oh, the EMOTION!!!! Make that a bottle of Pinot Grigio, ta.
Vaughan · December 19, 2003 15:56I'd like to nominate myself for most punctual blogger.
Dragon · December 19, 2003 15:57Hold on a minute...
Dragon · December 19, 2003 15:58Oh, erm, it's been pointed out that I haven't actually served any cocktails. I assumed you were all grown-up enough to go to the bar yourselves.
More trays of port and brandy will be with you shortly, when Gollum finishes opening Vaughan's pinot grigio.
Karen · December 19, 2003 16:02i'm blushing. now, that could be the honor that "being american" to a brit suddenly became an AWARD instead of a DISEASE, or it could be the blood-orange cosmo... but either way, LET'S GET ME TO THE AIRPORT!
evil k · December 19, 2003 16:03Did someone say nipple?
Adrian Sevitz · December 19, 2003 16:04evil k, if you'd had a snowball, I'd have given you the Award for Having Typhoid Fever.
Karen · December 19, 2003 16:07It's alright, karen, I got sick of waiting and popped out to waitrose. I am now waiting in the wings to be summondeded to the stage.
I've several bottle of port and brandy to share, while we're waiting.
Also, in the spirit of christmas, I would like to donate a gift of 'paragraphs' to Mark. Well, what do you give the man who has everything?
You give him paragraphs.
Take them, my dove, and enjoy...
anna · December 19, 2003 16:08Always opening my mouth too early me, especially when there is a drink in the offing - a rum to do!
Huwge · December 19, 2003 16:14Sorsha, sorry I missed you, but luckily I have a spare trophy, which I present to you for Blog With The Most Accents. Congratulations, which I can't say in hungarian; will jo etvagyat do instead?
Karen · December 19, 2003 16:15Well then, here we are at The Uborka! Make It Up As You Go Along Awards. I'm Stuart Bridgett, and it is my *hic* proud task to bring you the very latest on what the best and brightest shining lights in blogging really *feel* about their awards, and what they'll be doing to celebrate.
First up is Mr. S e v i t z, who wins the award for sleaziest weblog commenter.
Well, Adrian, how do you feel? Just how many loose women do you think you can get with your prize, and will any of them be a size 8? (with a taste for gipsy-esque clothes)
Hmm.
There appears to be some sort of time delay on the satellite linkup, so without further ado;
Stuart · December 19, 2003 16:33The Award for Greatest Quantity of Virtual Beer Consumed in One Cocktail Hour goes to the irrepressible Spengy. Whilst blogging in his spare time, Mr. Spengy enjoys his job working in a bar...*clutches ear*..oh, sorry, hang on...no, that's wrong, sorry. I'll start again.
Whilst blogging in his spare time, Mr. Spengy works in a bar.
So; the readers want to know; how many virtual beers can you drink out of a virtual stein in one session? Do you have a personal best? Where are you going to keep it? Do you have a virtual mantelpiece?
Yes. More problems with the linkup, it would appear. I promise that our best trained chimps are feverishly attempting to fathom out where the satellite time gap is coming from...
Stuart · December 19, 2003 16:37It's a hot topic, ladies and gentlemen. The Most Robbed Of a Guardian Award Weblogger is the emphatic and wonderfully verbose Mr. Londonmark, closely tailed by the tequila'd-up D.
Well gentlemen, how do you feel? To be recognised for your lack of recognition must be nice. D, how much virtual Tequila have you had? Rumours have it of a hastily recorded attempt to get to Christmas No.1?
*pause*
*clutches ear* Damnit Hank, what are those chimps doing back there? I haven't had a single answer yet!
Stuart · December 19, 2003 16:40I wannabe in there, please. How about the sourest of sour grapes award. Or the most naive of contestants award? Or the 'I wish I had listened to you guys' award.
jo · December 19, 2003 16:43Most Long Suffering Girlfriend Award went to Pix...we called and calle but apparently she couldn't hear us to come forward to comment, so onwards to D4D Lyle, who has, at long last (and much overdue, if pundits are to be believed) been rewarded for copious amounts of profanity that he takes the time and trouble to produce on an almost daily basis, warning the blog-reading public of the dangers of things like DVD dubbing. Unfortunately, Lyle hails from Manchester, and satellite technology has yet to penetrate the murky haze of Lynx lager that has hovered over the city since 1987.
Stuart · December 19, 2003 16:44In the words of Magnus Magnusson, 'I'll started so I'll finish'...I've just realised that I'm missing out on virtual champagne here.
Sorry. I'm off to the bar.
Stuart · December 19, 2003 16:46oh god, it's going to haunt me forever.
kate · December 19, 2003 16:48Ooh, and a late award just in, for unknown troll jo, who gets the Award For Spectacularly Missing The Point.
Just a bit of a lark, m'dear.
Karen · December 19, 2003 16:52I do know where both the Delete and Backspace keys are. You should see all the stuff I've written, but haven't allowed myself to post.
Mark · December 19, 2003 16:58I have about fifty half-written posts in Draft status in MT, stretching back over a period of about a year. Why don't we set up a collaborative weblog where we can (anonymously?) post all the half-baked crap that we'd be too embarrassed to put on our own sites?
Hg · December 19, 2003 17:06Bravo, well done to all you prize winners - the question is, will THIS be POTM?
And Hg - top idea that - I can host it on my site if you want - presuming you MT snobs can lower yourselves far enough to use Blogger?
Gordon · December 19, 2003 17:15Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Stuart · December 19, 2003 17:19Yeah okay.
no Adrian, no nipples for you. :-p
pix · December 19, 2003 17:19I'm so proud, so proud *sniff*.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for all webloggers everywhere. And it's for every nameless, faceless weblogger that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. Thank you. I'm so honored. I'm so honored. And I thank the Academy for choosing me to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow.
Wild · December 19, 2003 17:33But you promised? Or Karen did. Someone did, I'm sure.
The nice thing about Pete being otherwise busy (apparently not twiddling with Karen's blog*spot), is that I get yelled at and threatened less. Although I keep having this feeling that someone is watching me ....
Adrian Sevitz · December 19, 2003 17:37Cheers - the beers are on me
Spengy · December 19, 2003 17:45que?
jo · December 19, 2003 17:58Awww shucks.... I just wanna say thank you - thank you very much.... and.... WOOO HOOOO! *LOL*
Angel · December 19, 2003 18:52Oh, I won, I won, I won ... *jumps up and down and breaks her high heels*
Sorsha · December 19, 2003 20:30Thank you and egészségedre!
Something tells me Jo isn't a troll, she was using that British thing called "irony"
D · December 20, 2003 15:02Wonderful acceptance speeches everyone!
jane · December 20, 2003 22:54*Clears throat, holds back tears* First and foremost, I'd like to thank God. Through him nothing is possible. I'd like to thank everybody that worked with me on this project, especially the anonymous bus ticket donator. I'd also like to thank Alyson Hannigan for just being so damn fine. Shut the music off, I'm not done yet. This underlay means so much to me, it's why I do what I do. J. I love you and thanks to all of the fans who voted for me. Oh you didn't ? Why not ? I could have you shot you know. Ta much. Adios.
Pam · December 20, 2003 23:48and i had a speech all ready. course, i always have one.
i expected the award for "most resembles the english language in places"
ahem.
i'd like to thank the little people that made this possible.
but it was all me.
red clay · December 21, 2003 05:11Thank you! And a special thanks must go to Adrian Sevitz as, if it wasn't for him and his smutty comments (well deserved award there, by the way), I wouldn't be where I am today. The box of HTML should come in handy. If I just empty it into my website, will that make it better?
Lori · December 21, 2003 20:27fmmmmmmmmf mmffffffffffffffffffffffm ffffffffffffmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffffffff ffmmmmmffffffffmmmmmmmfffffffffmmfffffffffmmmmffffffffffmmmmmmmmmmmffffffffffffmmmm*
*This roughly translates as "thanks very much for the award, but couldn't you have got me a flummin' soap that doersn't froth?"
Lyle · December 22, 2003 08:01Lol! Infinitely better than the weblog awards!
Melodrama · December 22, 2003 08:43Virtual Monday Coffee - my place, now!
Anyone that needs it, special dispensation for people (like me) still in the office...
Stuart · December 22, 2003 09:33oh! my manners, clearly, are not what they used to be. thank you very much for my co-award; i'd like to thank general foods, german diaspora and the wharton business school for all their support!
shivery · December 22, 2003 09:53Thanks Karen, I had a wonderful time and the award at the end was a complete surprise and I love it. For anyone interested in the lovely dresses that I was wearing they will be in an exhibition at next years Erotica. I was sponsored by them to model them thats why there were tassels, but I will apologise if I offended anyone. After presenting those awards I was truely grateful for my drink. Thank you once again.
S · December 22, 2003 10:55