Dear Pete,

Unfortunately our records show that your behaviour has only been borderline good on certain occasions.

It is therefore with regret that we have to inform you that your car will only work again after the expenditure of penitential pennies. Several thousands of them.

Yours sincerely,

MotorMechanicElf

PS Another disqualifying factor is your lack of belief in our existence.

Dear MotorMechanicElf,

You must have me confused with some other Pete.

Dear MotorMechanicElf,

I can vouch for the fact that he has been a good boy this year. Really good.

love,
Karen xxx

Dear Pete and Karen,

Regardless of Pete's prowess in certain aspects of endeavour with which you, Karen, seem intimately acquainted, there is the less-than-trifling question of internet abuse. I need, I hope, say no more.

Also, over and above misdemeanours, as you are well aware my employer does not bestow his benificence upon boys or girls who do not have absolute and unshakable faith in his reality. There comes a point at which doubt creeps in, and at that time the boys and girls assume that their parents are the purveyors of all good things.

I suggest you explore this route since the North Pole avenue is a cul de sac.

Yours sincerely,

MotorMechanicElf

Dear MotorMechanicElf

The fact that you keep commenting, on behalf of your employer, is leading us to question our faith in his non-existence, and we are ready to fight anyone who suggests that you might be an impostor.

Also, the whole internet thing has been very much repented for, and it seems rather unfair that, on top of the severe punishment of not being able to email each other all day every day, we should be further chastised by the tubby red-faced one.

So if you wouldn't mind, how about at least getting the mechanics to look at his car, so that he can get home tonight. And while you're at it, I'd like a new pair of shoes.

Thanks in anticipation of your existence.

love
Karen & Pete xxx

Dear Karen and Pete

Although he to whom you refer as "the tubby red-faced one" is defined by his jollity and cheery personality he is capable of retributive withdrawal of labour. He wishes to draw your attention to the most common examples of naughty behaviour which endanger receipt of seasonal goods and services. He advises you both to examine your consciences thoroughly. Preferably separately and not in a public place.

With reference to post facto belief, the theological ponderings of world religions abound with the impossibility of faith predicated on the performance of a miracle. Apart from St Thomas. Faith, boys and girls, is far more complex than that.

Therefore Mr Claus wishes me to inform you that you must stop pulling his beard otherwise you are in danger of never getting anything ever again. He also points out, Karen, that you already have a delightful pair of red shoes which match his uniform beautifully and he'll swap them for a new pair if you manage to work up a sufficient level of belief. He would, of course, only wear them to the cross-dresser's ball.

Yours sincerely,

MotorMechanicElf

PS It is not within my job description to enter into correspondence and I have a large number of motors to mechanic.

Dear MotorMechanicElf,

You appear to be underestimating the level of stress and anxiety caused by the fact that Pete's car won't work today. Whether or not your boss exists, you exist, and you call yourself a MotorMechanicElf, so just damn well go and fix it, will you? We are running out of patience.

Kind regards,
Karen & Pete

Watch it. Otherwise it'll be nothing but reindeer shit coming down your chimney this year. Just phone a motor mechanic nearer to you than the north pole and leave me alone.

Just bear in mind that the fire will be burning merrily in the grate over most of the festive season. And there's a couple of pints of guinness down here for you and your boss...

Sod the elf if there is beer involved. I'll come around and fix the car (hopefully you have a full set of manchester screwdrivers I can use).

What? So we're meant to be discouraged by the prospect of a reindeer shit powered backdraft up the chimney?

And do you know how much it costs us just to get the parts delivered up here? Kwik-fit have barred us from using their wholesale mailing service. Two pints of Guinness just isn't going to cover it. A tanker's worth might sway the big man, mind.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to a tricky transmission problem on a Hillman Imp.

Yours,

GreaseMonkeyElf

pp. MotorMechanicElf

Listen, Elf, you have no tricky problem like the tricky problem of being on the wrong side of the country with a car that won't work. If you're not prepared to do the job yourself, how about a big fat cheque?

What, a big fat cheque for not doing the job myself?

I sense a side operation coming on. Don't tell the big man.
And because you've been so generous, I'll do it.

Just pop the thing into the workshop later tonight, and I'll take a look for you. That's 'MotorMechanicElf Repairs', The North Pole. Knock quietly on the door of workshop number seven, so you don't wake the boss. If you get lost there's a pretty basic map on aa.com.

Merry Christmas,

GreaseMonkeyElf

No, MMElf, you misunderstand the nature of your role, I think. You give us the presents. You give us the big fat cheque.