Enough is enough. Today when I went to collect Bernard, he was lounging on the lap of his childminder’s 7 year old daughter, who was feeding him a marshmallow and wafer biscuit. I go to lengths to make sure Bernard eats good, unprocessed, unrefined food, with no additives or crap. Yes, he has the occasional fishcake, he eats non-baby breakfast cereal, his diet isn’t perfect; but I’m his mother and that’s my prerogative.
Furthermore, and once again, his nappy was returned to me complete with liner and wipes. Rise addicts, of which I am sure there are, ooh, two, will know that a cloth nappy is made up of an outer cover, the shaped cloth nappy itself, and a disposable paper liner[1] Yes, that says a disposable liner. So why the hell does she wrap it up and send it back to me every day, along with the wipes she has used on his bum, and occasionally a latex glove? Pete has spoken to her about this once, and she said there is nowhere for her to dispose of them; yet public changing facilities are almost always in a disabled toilet, or failing that, there is a bin where she would throw away a disposable nappy. And if either of these things are impossible, she can put the paper stuff in a separate nappy sack (ugh) and throw it away when she gets home. She claims hygiene issues (hence the latex glove, wtf), but I provide a waterproof bag for the cloth nappy to go in, which in theory I just have to bung into the washing machine. Instead I have to untie a plastic nappy sack (ugh) and fish around inside the wet nappy for the stuff that needs to be thrown away. It annoys me. Especially when he has pood.
Furtherfurthermore, I agreed that she could use disposable nappies for changes when they are out and about. I wish I hadn’t. She has changed him into cloth only four or five times since he started with her in April. I even switched to using nappies with poppers instead of the intricate (for idiots) nipper fasteners. She only changes him once a day, and frankly, if she could bring herself to throw away the disposable liner, she would find it no more complicated to change cloth than it is to change a disposable. I object to having made my investment in cloth nappies, and still have to buy (eco-) disposables for her to use. I may just refuse to provide any more.
Moreover, when we interviewed her, she told us all about the creative activities that the children get up to in her care. Playdough was mentioned a lot, as were cultural celebrations. When asked if they watch much TV, she told me no, they just switch it on for specific programmes. Turns out that the specific programme they turn it on for is MTV. She also takes him to toddler groups every day (he goes to her three days a week), and I don’t really want that, either. I chose a childminder rather than a nursery so that he would be in a family environment, and interact with children of different ages; and this is important since he isn’t likely to have any siblings to play with. If she spends every morning drinking coffee while the kids run riot in a church hall, what exactly am I paying her for?
When it comes down to it, I don’t like her much, and I don’t like her children. And if I don’t like the way her children are, do I really want her to have so much input into Bernard’s upbringing? Three days a week, for six hours a day, is quite a significant portion of his waking life, and that makes her effectively the third most important adult in his world. It irks me that someone I dislike is so important to him. I’m not precious-mummy-jealous of him liking her, which he does; I just want him to like someone whom I also like.[2]
There are a number of reasons why I continue to put up with this situation. Firstly, I believe that consistency of carer is important, and he has already changed childminder once, at 9 months, because his original (much better) minder emigrated. He settled really quickly with the new minder, and obviously enjoys it there immensely. He gets on well with the other children, and never cries when I leave him; more like, he struggles out of my arms, eager to speed off into the other room to start his busy day of playing. And the local childminders all know each other, so it’s hard for me to make enquiries without it getting back to her, and I don’t want to get a reputation for being a difficult mother.
Oh, and last week, she told me I shouldn’t still be breastfeeding.
If you ask me, the childminder is like any other employee. You have notes for her because her performance isn’t up to par! So sit her down with a list, and go through them firmly and gently. Tell her exactly how you want her to use the diapers and when, ask her to limit the hours with toddler groups to a certain percentage a week, and the TV, etc.
This way, if she doesn’t reform her childminding methods, it would be well understood when and if you and Pete need to find another minder. I mean, yes, Bernard likes her and that is important, which is why it’s worth trying to get her to work more on your level.
Oh and tell her in no uncertain terms that your breastfeeding is none of HER business! Honestly. I’m indignant FOR you.
While it’s true that she’s an employee who I’m paying to look after Bernard, I don’t feel that we have much power to change her working style, as he’s not the only child she looks after. We have discussed the nappy situation with her more than once, but going to toddler groups is what she does; in fact, she actually runs one of them. I am certain that her response would be that if we don’t like it, we can take him elsewhere.
She hasn’t delivered what she promised at interview, and she gives me the impression that she agrees with me to my face, but considers that she knows more about childcare than I do, and goes her own sweet way once her front door is shut. I need to be able to trust her, and I just don’t. There is a general lack of discipline in her household, indicated when she complains to me about how much hard work it is, how the TV goes on after school because the children are “shattered,” how she calls me occasionally if Bernard is particularly demanding and she can’t cope. I want more than the minimal level of babysitting, for my money. And I don’t want him having lunch in the pub.
I’d move him straight away, tbh.
I know that you feel consistency of carer is important, but I think the list of things you’re not happy with (and not sticking to things agreed is fairly high on my list of red flags tbh) is too great to stay.
For all the stuff you’re aware of that you’re not happy with, there’s probably a heap load of stuff going on that you’re not aware of.
That’s exactly it: the other stuff that goes on when my back is turned. We’re checking out a new CM tomorrow, but I’ll need to obtain a bicycle to do the drop-off…
I’d certainly be looking for another minder if I were you. It may be that we’ve been extraordinarily lucky with Tom’s minder, but she really is excellent. She has three (secondary school age) children of her own and they do play with Tom – but play consists of making bread together, bashing musical instruments (of the drum and maraca variety, not Hammond organs) or running around on the lawn. Tom adores her (and her children) and you can hear the disappointment if ever we phone to say Tom isn’t coming because he is ill or whatever.
We know that when we hand over Tom, we are leaving her to decide how his day is filled. But she has held true to what she told us when we originally met – play is interactive, TV is minimal (I’ve seen the news on the telly there – perhaps that’s even more worrying than MTV?), a little quiet time is encouraged and all the children are given the (supervised) chance to go outside when the weather is fine. There are no trips to toddler groups, although Tom does go off with our minder each afternoon for the school run (no harm in that), and certainly no meals in pubs.
Shop around – I’m sure you can find better.
On the subject of bikes, you might find that putting Bernard onto a seat on the back of your bike is not as easy as you hope. Tom loves riding in his seat (it’s one of these – http://www.chainreactioncycles.com/Models.aspx?ModelID=8003 – which I would recommend based on our experience) and goes WHEEEEE! everytime we overtake Mummy (quite often). However, even with a sturdy bike stand, it is really not safe to mount/dismount a wiggly child without someone else to hold the bike steady. So I’d look into getting a trailer-type thingy if I were you, although I’ve got no experience of using one – it’s just that I think a rear (or front) mounted seat won’t be easy to do on your own.
Mind you, my mum got me in and out of a rear mounted seat on her bike when I was tiny, so what do I know?
I’ve managed a five year old on the back of a bike, when I was au pairing, but I was a lot younger and fitter back then; the trailer things make me a bit nervous, but I’ll certainly look at both options. Thanks for the tip!
That comes under the ‘Not On’ category. I wish i could teleport my childminder and nursery to you because they are both heaven-sent. My CM especially was totally on the wavelength of what I wanted (and you too, I’m sure) and I was gutted when we moved to far for her to mind Toby.
I’m now thinking about an au pair as Toby gets older, with a day or two at nursery for socialising.
It seems to me that you’ve already decided what to do. Get with it because that boy is growing fast. For our child care, we at first were going to go with an ‘in-home’ situation but in the end, opted for a day care center. The day care worked very well for our kids.