When parents describe sleep as broken, they are using the most accurate word. There is no better way to describe the way sleep stops being a whole, complete, good thing that you can enjoy once a day, for several hours at a time. Sleep is broken; there is no more sleep.
I’ve never been a good sleeper. It may not have been totally broken, but for me, sleep was always slightly faulty. It often takes me hours to get to sleep, and I used to wake two or three times in the night. I hated getting up in the mornings, and rarely woke feeling refreshed. Oh for those heady days of blissful only-slightly-faulty sleep; how I miss them now.
Early in pregnancy, my sleep got a bit more broken. I was waking in the early hours, and wandering round the house getting snacks and surfing the internet, for something to do. Preparation, apparently; but I do regret wasting all that peaceful time when I could at least have been lying in bed with no imminent demands upon me. Now I long for a few hours when I can guarantee that no-one will need me for anything, and I could just wallow, with pillows and duvets and silence.
I do feel like I am at fault for not teaching Bernard to go to sleep on his own sooner. I did read The No-Cry Sleep Solution
Bernard started with a new childminder on Monday afternoon. By Wednesday, she could put him down for a nap, and he would sleep for over two hours. I don’t think I have ever “put him down” in the sense that I identify his need for sleep and lie him in the cot, and he rolls over and goes off to sleep. She didn’t achieve this by leaving him to cry; she just did it. She put. And he slept. How? Why? This is very unfair.
At home, he falls asleep on the boob, or being jiggled by Pete; he is also not bad at going off in the pram or the car. But that’s it. Those are the only ways we can get him to go to sleep. He has learned that we either boob or jiggle, and absolutely refuses to countenance any other option. Yesterday I had a good talk with the Health Visitor, who knows her Elizabeth Pantley well, and we agreed on a plan.
We are doing a thing that EP calls the Gentle Removal System. In theory, we get him to a state of sleepiness using all the things that we usually use to put him to sleep. So, we follow the bedtime routine that he has had since he was three weeks old, up as far as the feed. He still gets a feed, of course, but I hoik him off the nipple just before he falls asleep. He complains, and I put him back on. And repeat. Eventually he comes off without wanting to go back on, and at this point, I move him gently to his cot, where he falls asleep.
But this last part doesn’t work. There is no point at which he is sleepy and calm, and can be moved to the cot. He is either sucking/dropping off on my lap; or he is screeching. The moment I try to move him, he wakes up and yells. I try to put him down in his cot, and he yells. I pick him up again and he yells. I rock him or give him the boob back, and he settles. As soon as I try to move him, he yells.
Last night this went on for an hour, and eventually he was just so tired that he did fall asleep as I put him down. But I don’t think that’s the same thing as him falling asleep by himself, in a state of calm. At 10:30 he woke up and we spent another 45 minutes doing it again. At 2:45 he woke up and I fed him and actually managed to move him straight to the cot, where he fell asleep until 5:30. At 5:30 I brought him into bed and fed him, and we both went back to sleep until 7:30.
On one hand, we aren’t leaving him to cry himself to sleep; but he still did cry himself to sleep. This is not, so far, a no-cry sleep solution.
It’s a horrible horrible thing but sometimes they need to cry themselves to sleep to readjust. Like you say, you aren’t leaving him to cry but you can’t keep preventing him from doing so. Some of my mummy friends have had the same thing and they just had to be a bit hardcore for a few days but the time taken each time reduced and most had results pretty quickly.
I think your childminder expects Bernard to sleep, if you see what I mean. She expects him to nap, treats him as if he is going to nap and puts him down with belief he will as she has no evidence to the contrary.
It’s probably bold of me to say but I think you need to readjust your expectations and assume Bernard is going to sleep as and when you want him to, even if he doesn’t know it yet. He’ll fall in line with you because you’re his mummy and he trusts you. He might be confused for a few days as to why it has changed but I’m sure he’ll go with it if you act confidently.
I can’t decide whether you’re telling me to let him cry or not, Relly.
Tonight, so far, it has taken twice as long as last night. He did go down initially, quite calmly, but then just lay there pointing at things. Eventually he started to cry so I picked him up, but the only way to calm him was to feed him. I put him down barely awake, and he slept for maybe half an hour before waking and crying. Now Pete is trying to rock him to calm and then put him down. Each time he tries to put him down, the crying starts again. I feel like we’re doing this wrong.
Yes, I think you have to let him cry it out a few time to learn how to readjust and go to sleep alone. He will cry because he doesn’t like it – the boob is much better then a cot alone – but he will get used to it pretty quickly. The way I see it … you’re not leaving him to cry – you can go in and check on him at regular intervals – but I don’t think you will break it without being firm. Boob is boob, bed is bed. And he might well cry at the readjustment.
Toby often needs to cry for 5-10 minutes to go off to sleep, especially if he really needs to sleep! He sleeps best if we put him down, he cries a bit on his own, and goes off to sleep having comforted himself and bit and chattered himself to sleep. He has just stopped needing a dummy but he definitely needed to suck himself off to sleep for a long time. Is that something that would help break the boob-sleep association for Bernard?
Actually, I’m sure the crying thing makes me sound like Cruella Da Ville but we discovered pretty early this ‘need’ to cry and block out the world, ready for sleep.
It seems to me that if he is capable of going down to sleep without a whimper, for his childminder, then he doesn’t need to cry at all.
Hi there,
my son is nearly 11 months old and all through this time I have been reading and identifying with your heartfelt, honest and humourous observations on raising a little person, but this subject is particularly close to my and my husbands heart.
we didn’t set out to have a particular sleep mantra but at the beginning we did the moses basket in the bedroom, then at 4 months moved to the cot in the nursery (encouraged by ‘others’ with more ‘experience’), interspersed with lengthy intervals in our bed as and when he required comforting. we all got a better nights sleep when that occurred and it just seemed to be the normal rational route to take rather than have a baby in his cot at all costs, him getting hysterical and collapsing through sheer exhaustion through being so upset at being ‘abandoned’ (yes, people, a really humane method advocated there – not – don’t get brainwashed into thinking this is the norm – this method was invented not by gina ford but the victorians, those of the ‘little children should be seen and not heard’ era), and us zombified at some god awful hour wandering in and out of the nursery trying to placate.
yes, space in the bed is at a premium now the baba is getting bigger, but there is a school of thought generally proved and accepted amongst the co-sleeping experts that says allowing him to know he can sleep in our bed or his at certain times actually encourages independence and a willingness to sleep in his cot full-time, as his cot has never been forced on him with all it’s connotations like the other kind parents who can sit in their living rooms whilst listening to their children scream out for them as it’s ‘for their own good’ according to whatever trendy modern parenting manual has told them…sorry, that just doesn’t sound sane to me – and i actually am all for discipline in childhood.
like your son, so far mine sleeps in his cot in the first half of the evening, then generally in the second half (between 12 – 1am), if he cannot return back to sleep through our coaxings, he will come in with us.
i think as our sons are getting older and more active during the day, that once sleep comes in the evening, eventually that first half in their own cot might get extended to a whole night and morning – basically, they will be too flippin’ knackered to raise from their slumber!
keep going, i back you up totally – in fact, last week i was desponding because of the lack of space and social conformity double whammy making me question the above but i ordered ‘three in a bed’ by deborah jackson (about co-sleeping ) and have only read the first chapter and already feel fully vindicated about my approach. definitely recommend – we are not alone…
..and for all those parents who are gonna come back with the trite and predictable repose of ‘you are making a rod for your own back’ – well, know any 18 year olds who still sleep in the family bed? it’s only for a short span of their life people – it’s all about care and comfort for their first year – is that such a sacrifice?
if it is, don’t have kids…..
“it’s all about care and comfort for their first year – is that such a sacrifice?
if it is, don’t have kids…..”
Dear, oh dear. I think pretty much anyone would sacrifice anything for their kids — until there comes a point where you’re sacrificing your sanity. What makes you think this is going to stop after a year?
A parent, having lovingly spent every waking second with a child attending to his needs, should have 7pm till 11pm having dinner, relaxing etc, and 11pm till 7am uninterruptedly sleeping. This is absolutely essential in order to be at your parentally performing best the following day. Moreover, it’s best for the child to have a proper night’s sleep as well, without waking, moving rooms or whatever — fact.
The controversy is whether we should let our babies cry. As far as I’m aware, there is no hard evidence to support the view that letting your baby cry (for a short amount of time when all its physiological needs have been attended to) is any way damaging or traumatic for the child. In the same way, it is not, in my view, traumatic for a toddler to be ignored when he tantrums. It’s important, too, to listen carefully to the crying: is the baby in any distress, or is it just grumpy, tired whingeing? After practice, I can tell straight away. But parents that never distinguish between the two, who go scuttling up at the first sound of any sort of tears, in my experience, end up in a living hell.
The question for most people is: when is it okay to let baby cry? Gina Ford advocates very early on. I was comfortable with it around five months. Some people say, wait until there’s a problem — no earlier than eleven months. The trouble with the latter is, if you wait, then more often than not a problem will arise. And it’s much harder to deal with then.
Please do not suggest parents like me are taking an easy way out. Sleep training takes a lot of soul-searching, will power, determination, blood, sweat and (of course) tears. It would be disingenuous of me to imply it’s not for our own well-being in the long run as parents — but it’s also, absolutely, for the well-being of the child. My baby had a sleeping problem. Now she hasn’t, and is much happier. I’m a good parent, better than those judgemental ones spending more time raising their eyebrows at me than getting their own slippery-sloping houses in order.
I’ve posted an article on Gina Ford in my blog recently. Come visit and comment…
http://naptime500.blogspot.com
The actual Gina Ford page is at…
http://naptime500.blogspot.com/2007/04/4-gina-ford-she-who-made-this-site.html
Brian
While I’m with you that he shouldn’t need to cry if he goes down fine for his CM, it’s guarenteed he knows how to push your buttons a little. I see from your update you’re putting him down and if he fusses trying to help him calm down and sticking with it if it takes a while – this is what I meant more than ‘leave him to howl until he wears himself into the ground’. I really think while Bernard is adjusting to settling in the cot, then on his own etc he will fuss and cry. But that fussing is part of the process of adjustment.
As for:
” know any 18 year olds who still sleep in the family bed? it’s only for a short span of their life people – it’s all about care and comfort for their first year – is that such a sacrifice?
if it is, don’t have kids…..”
Where exactly do I hand him back? As much as I think family bed can be great and Toby has shared with us on a number of occasions, I am able to give much better care and comfort if I can sleep in my own bed without my baby. I’m not bothered if other people want to share their bed if it works for them, I’m sure if you and your baby find it good then it is the best thing. I am bothered by the implication that by not doing so I should not have children.
“As far as I’m aware, there is no hard evidence to support the view that letting your baby cry (for a short amount of time when all its physiological needs have been attended to) is any way damaging or traumatic”
Perhaps not, but it doesn’t take a genius to see that a child who has fallen asleep standing up, clinging to the bars of her cot; or a child who is still sobbing hours after they have cried themselves to sleep, is pretty damn traumatised. I’ve read accounts of both of the above recently and will find the references if you really need me to. It’s all very well using that qualifying “for a short amount of time,” but that doesn’t fit with this hard-line idea that YOU need your sleep, therefore HE cries. You’re not talking about a few minutes of grizzling, are you; and let’s not fudge the issue by referring to a child, implying a little more maturity and understanding, when you mean a baby, who is helpless and dependent.
I agree with Mou: if you’re not prepared to go out of your way to comfort your baby, then yes, you really do need to do a bit of soul searching, don’t you? Agreed, it can’t possibly be easy to leave your baby to howl himself to sleep, but it is the quick fix compared with the gentle approach, and yes I do feel like a superior parent for taking the gentle approach.