Boob

One evening, a lifetime ago, I was sitting on an uncomfortable sofa at 3am, crying in pain while I tried to feed Bernard for probably the third time that night. I set a date by which I would start to use formula, if it was still making me so miserable. The date wasn’t very far away, and just doing that helped me to relax a bit. It hurt so very, very much, and I was so tired.

I didn’t even notice the day I reached my goal, and now at eight months old, I’m still feeding, and I’m enjoying it. It’s so satisfying to know that I’ve still got such a good source of nutrition and comfort for the little fellow, and way better than faffing with bottles and sterilisers. It was a bit of a worry when he refused to drink formula while he’s in daycare, but we found a solution: water. He gets extra dairy products in the form of yoghurt and cheese, and has plenty of milk when he’s at home.

Meanwhile, I have applied to the NCT to train as a breastfeeding counsellor. From where I’m sitting, there seems to be a real need for more help, to counter the misinformation, and to provide support in those awful first few days and weeks, and to raise awareness both so that more people breastfeed for longer, and so that British society becomes more welcoming and understanding, to make it easier for mothers.

At one point, I accidentally let slip to one of the family elders that I was feeding on demand, and she scolded me: demand feeding is bad, because the baby is controlling you. This made me think. What if you are determined to stick to a four-hourly feeding schedule, and when you try to feed, the baby refuses? It is impossible to force a baby to feed, so then who is in control? This whole issue of control seems to be a great big herring, of the red variety; of course the baby is in control, because this is how it works. He feeds according to his needs, and his feeding stimulates further milk production, so he is in control of the whole thing. It’s a question of perception; rather than it being a battle zone, Bernard and I are actually on the same side, with the shared goal of meeting his needs. Sometimes he knows best what his needs are, and sometimes I do, so it’s really more of an issue of communication.

I have been lucky, in that my family haven’t tried to interfere too much (apart from some spectacularly ill-considered comments about Bernard’s weight), and my friends and Pete in particular have been so very supportive. I hear such stories about women being pressured to give their babies formula as the answer to all their problems, and so many mothers give in because they simply don’t see the alternatives. Even if Health Visitors and Midwives were properly trained in breastfeeding, and kept fully up to date – which many of them are not – any sensible information that does get across is undermined by helpful advice and thinly veiled criticism from family matriarchs. At least I am cussed enough to take such comments as a spur to keep on feeding the way I want to.

Mothers often give up breastfeeding in the first few weeks because they are having such a miserable time of it, and I absolutely agree, it can be miserable. The sad thing is that, once you fix the problems and get it right, it stops being a chore and starts being a pleasant and relaxing activity. Even when out and about at coffee mornings and the various other events in the newmum calendar, it was always much easier to whop out a boob, than to boil a kettle 40 minutes before it was needed, etc etc.

But I do understand why people stop. A friend summed it up accurately, having given up in under a week, because the baby wouldn’t latch on and she was fed up of being mauled by midwives. It’s true, they have a horrible technique of leering over you until the baby opens his mouth, and then grabbing your boob and shoving it in. This is unpleasant for both mother and baby. When I finally saw a counsellor from La Leche League, she sat patiently and watched, and advised, but never touched me. It wasn’t necessary. In fact, all the good advice I had was from volunteers; the professionals really made a bit of a mess of it all, even down to the postnatal class on sleep, where the Health Visitor consistently referred to the last bottle of the night, when talking to the mothers of 12-week old babies.

We just get so much misinformation, both from friends and family, and from health professionals. Things like the baby is crying because your milk isn’t rich enough; your baby is too big, you won’t have enough milk; your baby needs to be given water in hot weather; you should give formula at night to help him sleep through. It’s all nonsense, and the answer to every one of these problems is to feed, and then feed some more. Feed your baby, and feed yourself, and your milk supply will meet your baby’s demands. A bottle of formula last thing at night is the first step towards losing your supply altogether, because any decrease in stimulation of the breast will be met with a decrease in production, and because night feeding releases hormones that boost or maintain the supply. If you follow the advice to give one bottle, then you will inevitably find it harder and harder to breastfeed, because you will produce less milk; this is why women give up early on.

I understand that not all women want to breastfeed for very long, but I do think that if they had more support, so that it was easier; and more information, so that they had a really good idea of the benefits of doing so; then they would push it a little bit further. The World Health Organisation recommends exclusive breastfeeding for six months, and breastmilk as part of a mixed diet for at least two years. This recommendation comes as a result of heavy research, and is contradicted by grandmothers all over the country, on the basis of their own experience of one or two babies, a quarter of a century earlier, back in a time when there was no governmental control over the advertising of formula, and all quick fixes were seen as good things.

As always, a disclaimer will be required. I don’t judge mothers who choose to stop breastfeeding. I don’t think there is anything in the post above that can be interpreted as criticism of the mothers, only of the system that lets them down. But this is an emotive topic, and people do will defensive without paying proper attention to what I have written.

For those who would like more help and advise, I can heartily recommend kellymom and the wise ladies at iVillage. And chocolate, which is essential for all breastfeeding mothers.