There are days when I honestly want this roller coaster to stop. The hot weather has been horrible for all of us: very little sleep, very cross baby, and constant feeding. Since the storm on Saturday it has been much cooler, but the non-stop feeding goes on. My sources all told me that it gets “better” after four weeks, but every feed seems to take longer than the last, and the periods in between them feel shorter. I don’t know if this is just the warped perception of a sleep-deprived, anxious mother, or if I actually do spend 20 hours a day with a baby glued to my breast.
The sleeping project has not progressed at all. Bernard sleeps for nothing like the 16 hours a day we are led to expect, and gets very worked up because neither he nor his parents can work out how to help him. It is as if he already feels he might miss something if he allows his eyes to close. Sometimes I really don’t want to hold a screaming baby for another moment, but I can’t leave him to bawl in his cot: he expresses such abject misery that it breaks my heart.
But on the other hand, he gets more personality every day. He makes eye contact, he lifts his head when we put him on his stomach, and he has a few cute gurgling noises which make a wonderful change from the crying. His burpy little smiles are beautiful.
My heart goes out to you – I could have written this myself 6 years ago. It does get better, I promise, but there is nothing wrong with you if you feel that this is 90% not much fun. Sleeplessness is a horrid thing, and throw a few hours a day of why-is-he-crying on top of it and it is enough to make you wonder why anyone has a second baby. It does get better, it really does. In the meantime, be as kind to yourself as you can.