Contractions

There are three kinds of contractions, but you will only learn about two of them from all your books and classes.

The first kind is the Real Fuck-off Big Fat Actual Contraction. I haven’t felt any of these yet, so can’t actually tell you much about them, although I am well-equipped with quasi-scientific knowledge about how they work, and strongly opinionated about how to cope with them.

Then there are the Braxton Hicks contractions, which don’t really hurt, although they can be a little bit uncomfortable. I have had these intermittently for weeks and weeks, particularly when walking somewhere. These are sometimes known as practice contractions, and are meant to tone your uterus and help the baby to get into the right position. If you stop walking, or lean forward a bit, they generally go away. It’s hard to explain them to any blokes who might, surprisingly, still read Rise; but the girls will understand when I say they are like those early menstrual cramps, that feeling of a hand grasping you from underneath and squeezing rather hard. Perhaps the boys will understand if they’ve had food poisoning; it’s that sort of sensation, but without much pain. Like a bad case of wind, perhaps.

One function of the BH is that some of the bad ones remind you what period pains felt like, and warn you of what thrilling sensations are to come: that metal band slowly tightening around your middle, accompanied simultaneously by the good feeling of relief that it’s all about to start, and the bad feeling of anticipating imminent physical discomfort.

I had BH contractions frequently all day on Saturday, which can indicate some sort of early don’t-be-alarmed-yet stage of labour; however they have eased off now so there’s nothing to get excited about. They are strong enough to make me stop walking or talking for a moment, but they still don’t actually hurt.

Finally, there are the Imaginary Contractions, which keep you awake during the night, mentally poking your body to see if anything hurts yet. Heavily pregnant women experience a lot of twinges and small pains here and there, but these don’t necessarily mean anything is about to happen. They mean that the baby has shifted his considerable weight on to a different organ, or that your seriously constricted bladder is full (again), or that you have some mild backache, caused by sitting, standing or lying in any position whatsoever. They do not mean that you are going into labour, however much you might want them to.

Of course, there’s the occasional twinge… ooh, there’s one now… oh no, that was just a kick from the eternal internal donkey.