When I lived in Budapest, I helped to set up a book club. We had people of all nationalities there, which sometimes made it difficult to choose a book; it was hard enough to get enough english language copies, without having to find Italian and Serbian and Korean as well. We usually found it quite hard to talk about the books, as well, but we always enjoyed the wine and the cookies.
Yesterday I joined the book club run by ladies from the local NCT. I was the youngest person there, or at least the only person who didn’t have a child of school age. We met in a very smart house in the next village, and the biscuits were on a table out of my ungainly pregnant reach. We mainly talked about laser eye surgery and which local celebrities live nearby (it’s a very smart village). The host says she used to ride her horse past Glenn Hoddle’s house.
I was a bit bored, really. The book wasn’t the most gripping read ever (The Giant’s House, by Elizabeth McCracken); and other than speculating about whether an 8’4″ man could really exist, we didn’t talk about it much. Next month’s book is really dire, but the meeting is on the 21st, so there’s a strong chance I won’t be able to make it. Never mind.
The lady who kindly gave me a lift also kindly gave me the benefit of her experience: birth plans are optimistic nonsense, and you can have all the good intentions you want but it’s okay to have an epidural in the end. Yawn.
I can’t even be bothered to discuss it anymore. It’s not that I’m so single-mindedly stupid that I won’t under any circumstances etc blah blah blah, but just that I don’t see the point of going into it with the assumption that it’s all going to be awful and no-one can ever cope with it. There are good birth experiences as well as scare stories. And don’t tell me that opting for an epidural doesn’t make you feel guilty; if women didn’t feel bad about it, why would they keep on justifying it to me by telling I will need one too? If it turns out that I can’t cope without medication, then I will give in, but I will be disappointed, not defensive.
I did realise almost as soon as I pressed “ubmit comment” that it was out of order for me to give any sort of advice re childbirth, beacuse it’s just not done. Especially to someone as far gone in their pregnancy as you are. I am sorry about that. My only excuse is that I read all the entires in this blog from the past year in two sittings and I really got into it. Especially since I agree with you on so many of the things you’ve written about the pregnacy/child issue. It is impossible to know how another person experiences, well, anything really. What I really wanted to say is that I like your attitude.
Um, steady on, Karen. There are plenty of women who have an epidural and do not feel guilty. My wife is one of them. We didn’t plan to have an epidural, but that is what we went for in the end when the pain became more than she could cope with. And she didn’t feel guilty afterwards – a bit sore, perhaps, but not guilty.
Pain relief isn’t a competition. It’s about making the right choices for yourself and your child. It is not about scoring points over your peers.
I would probably feel a touch defensive too if the use of intervention was presented to me as “giving in ” and something to be “disappointed” about.
No no, I’m not trying to have a competition. In fact what annoys me is that I feel more under pressure because I so very strongly don’t want drugs, and yet I am constantly told – often by complete strangers – that I will want them, and that I will have them. Even “well good luck with that” type comments are delivered with at least a small amount of eye-rolling. I don’t want points, I want to be in control of my own personal birth experience, and I want support not negativity. What I’m trying to say – obviously not very well in that I’m clearly being offensive – is that there haven’t been many things in my life that I’ve felt this strongly about, and I will be disappointed in myself if I’m unable to get what I want.
Also – and I can’t believe you need me to point this out – I’m not talking about medically necessary intervention.