Categories - Garden - Geek - GlobalGood - Going - Goo - Gourmet - Gravitas - Guests

Garden - ↑

My new Friend
I call him Snappy. The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 11
Eating! The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 10
Fruiting! The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 9
Flowering The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 8
Quite Tall Now Return Of Paeonia Lactiflora
Photos from our garden. The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 7
So much potential. Poor fella. Big Red Guy
Photo of a soon-to-be flower The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 6
Never forget your roots, little guy. Things That Make You Go "Ah, poor little fella"
Worms, in both senses. The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 5
Little fellas. The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 4
Chilli chilli chilli chilli much room, much room. The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 3
More of the same, only less so. The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 2
The appearance of shoots of chillis The Complete Life History Of A Chilli: Part 1
The birth of chillis Floral Tribute
Cellophane-wrapped carnations on graves, unsuitability of. Some garden shots
Photos from our garden. Green thing with red bits
Photos from our garden.

Geek - ↑

Geek Help
Pete is terrified of getting incompatible gear. Having answers makes me less frustrated
More of the same. I'm frustrated, and have to blog about it
When Pete's computer is behaving badly, it makes him really really anxious. It's that word again
An appearance of the word "weblogs" in a novel. Whatever next? Meta-Goo 1. Do you believe in the A-list?
Uborka is proud to have fewer than 100 hits per day, and not have sold our souls to google. DVD recording
Some techie blah about one of Pete's birthday presents. Board Meeting at AOL
In my head, as ever. Recommended Firefox Extension
Resizable Textarea extension for Firefox Tasty
Who put what in the del.icio.us box? libgmail.py stopped working?
Change to libgmail.py Absolutely Disgraceful
A couple of unfortunate spam comments. An Idea For The Lazyweb
A fabulous idea. While The Cat's Away
I've been playing computer games this evening. Hello...
Krissa and Stuart are lovely too. Gmail Notify
A GMail notifier for Linux. Pretty Damn Awesome
A new notebook that's not from Apple Conspiracy
Why those little. Software Patents
Patent absurdity Preferred Chat Clients
Pete summarises his chosen multi-protocol chat clients Microsoft In The Head
One man's privacy is another man's sandwich. iGripe
Admittedly there isn't much to complain about with regards to Mac OS X. Other "Knight In Shining Armour" Moments
Mending computers can sometimes be so simple that it takes you half an hour. Don't Know What It's Called
A cute little game that involves dragging around what seems to be a small Bomberman Updates
New laptop and Kate's spam crisis. Occupational Hazard
Cucumber reference. CSS Reboot
Inviting suggestions Email DOES NOT affect IQ
Don't believe everything that you read. Linux - Converting Audio Files
Linux makes Karen go sleep-sleep. Age before beauty
Yes, we really do converse over IM when we're in the same house. 'Geek speak' confuses net users
In which Pete rants. Best. Laptop. Ever.
In which an Amazon page is apparently hacked. Samba
How much more could you possibly want to know about Linux stuff? Is it true?
about China... Not Given Up On Linux Yet
Blah Linux Blah Blah The Latest Evil
Plaxo fights back! Plan Of Action: Building A Website
Visual "joke" A Helpful Flickr-related suggestion
In which Pete explains how he found out about the flickr upload quota the hard way. Deal Breaker?
In which Pete agonises over the decision as to whether Linux is actually going to be right for him in the long run. More useful Linux links
Some sites that I found useful whilst switching to linux. Installing Linux
Pete finally makes the switch from Windows to Linux, after all these years. A Small Discovery
Review of Crimson Editor - a freeware source code editor for Windows Turn On?
In which Pete gives hard facts about whether it is best to leave your computer on all the time, or turn it off. aRSeS
In which Pete muses on RSS New Amiga
Pete fondly recalls his old Amiga 500 Dumbass phones
Rant about the (apparently unadjustable) volume level of the shutter sound on my new phone An offer you can't refuse
Yahoo's pages fall out of date in an amusing fashion Burble
In which Pete buys himself a Christmas present The 34sp Festive Gift
In which Pete sends thanks to his hosting provider for upgrading his account. The Buffer Overflow - In Layman's Terms
In which Pete teaches you all how to crack Microsoft programs Browser Share
How amazing is Firefox? Safecall
Meeting internet friends in real life. Another Blaster Victim
Something to do with viriii. Girls' Night Out
Email rejection service. Found links
Plenty to keep you all amused. Blame attribution
Pete deletes the entire blog.

GlobalGood - ↑

The difficult dilemma of the would-be ethical consumer
Is it better to buy from retailers who I know have ethical compliance programmes, even though I know their factories are awful? Not a drop to drink
It's not cheaper, healthier, or more environmentally friendlier to drink bottled water. Walk All Night
Help Pix to walk for charity. Katrina
In which Pete states his feelings on the aftermath of the hurricane. Overfilling the Kettle
Eco Kettle not required I'll Be Back
Arnie goes sweatshop-bustin'. Sweatshop: a dirty word
Nike objects to the use of the word sweatshop My G8 Moment
Vandalising the wristband Bad show, Sony
Large corporations throwing their weight around AGAIN. Reasons to use a Mac #149*
Microsoft installs Newspeak on Chinese computers. Net Nanny Chinese Style
Marxist spam. Don't be scared, it's just my opinion
Opinions are those of the author only yadda yadda yah. Make Tat History
Make Poverty History campaign caught with its fingers in the sweatshop. A Song about Chicken
Table-manners critically threatened by advert. Mutual back-scratching is good for fingers
No such thing as altruism USA shoots itself in the little cotton socks
The foolishness of America's ways. Outside the Law
Arbeit macht frei. The Progress Paradox
Won't somebody please think of the Chinese? A change of direction
Here's hoping that the daily grind will become less grindsome. Ethical Living
Small ways to bring less tat into the world. Fringe Benefits
Bank accounts for people with no money. Why we should all boycott Bonfire Night
Hypocrisy and the burning of the guy. The Uborka Cut-out And Keep Collection: Marketing Calls To Your Mobile
Unsolicited sales calls.

Going - ↑

End of Innocence
Prague revisited. We're Back!
Something to do with keys, I think. A Year In Travel
Join Sweatshop Busters and SEE THE WORLD! Pictures are up!
Photos from China and Hong Kong What about Frankfurt?
Wah! Things to do in Hong Kong Airport
with only 50HKD left. Crunchy
Also not eaten: cow's stomach, pig's ear More Fake Stuff
Splendid China, where the bushes sing. Hey! Missy! Looky!
Shopping in Lohou It's all greek to me
Chopsticks, and other mysteries All over the road
Driving in China Chinese Takeaway
Really nice food Urgent request from 1000 miles away
Hong Kong London
Eight Mile
My day out in London An Open Letter To The Emergency Services
You guys are the best. I take my hat off to you.... Explosions in London
Worries and speculation Two Danubes
New York Diary 2
Karen's week in NYC, prior to Pete's arrival. New York Diary
Concise and linkful account of everything I did in New York Manhattan Skyline 2
Another photo of New York Manhattan Skyline
Manhattan skyline photo Furry Brain
I think that this might be gibberish. Last Minute Panic
Barcode? What barcode? Rough Ideas
A question for the Uborkites. Hats off to Venice
Masquerades in Venice Quote of the Day
Slough Incy Wincy Spider
Once upon a time there was a little girl, who was about ten years old, and had been sent on an extended holiday, to stay with her aunt and uncle on the other side of the world. She missed her... Lake District
Lakes Photo Diary. Postcard from Italy
Imola, Italy.

Goo - ↑

His First Drawing
Once again, I owe you an explanation
Why our absence? Closed For Business For Now
Hiatus. Sicktails
A rare invitation to drinks. Pete can read my mind
At the risk of sounding all krissa, isn't he wonderful? Things For This Morning
Pete gibbers about chillis and computer. Couldn't figure out which category to put it in, so it goes in Goo. Sleepy
Seppy still hangs around our garden, cleaning self on the fencepost, or leaving parcels of shit on the lawn, or on the edge of the patio. She's also taken to sleeping on our garden table. Wild horses wouldn't have any... 1000 songs and a one-track mind
The iPod is now open for advice. Goo, Literally (2)
(Follows on from here) The layer of green goo is now about an inch thick, forming a luxurious yet moist carpet. I had to park my car over in that corner yesterday morning. I opened the door and put my... Getting the snip
I wish I could just shave it all off. Arrr
Talk like a pirate day Kiss & Make Up
Need not be read by boys. Except for those sorts of boys. Levi
Who Is Seppy? Goo, Literally
In which Pete struggles to care. Things that are crap
Moaning about too much work and not enough comfort. My Week
Dull post about my working week. Just for the sake of writing something, really. Touched by Royalty
Resist the urge to sue. A rather disturbing morning
I had an awful time of it this morning. One last view of Reading Festival
I see things from a different perspective to Pete, because I am quite a lot shorter. Seppy
Oh how we want a cat. Feltham
So cruel. Squash Strategy
Warning: childish and immature LiveBlogging Monopoly
A game of monopoly in realtime, oh yeah. Thursday, 26 degrees
Rain stopped play. How To Be An Owl: Part Five
How to have an owl's diet How To Be An Owl: Part Four
Night vision How To Be An Owl: Part Three
How to fly How To Be An Owl: Part "Too-wit" Two
How to do the trick with the turning of the head How To Be An Owl: Part One
How to look like an owl Head-turning is an optional extra
This week, I'm going to be an owl. Ukobra
Spot the hidden Pulp lyrics. Chinese cocktails
Like chinese checkers, but with more vodka. Community Spirit
Stuart reading my mind. What On Earth Is Going On In London?
Breaking News Get a grip
Pete overreacts to something. AGAIN! Oddness
Long, and whiny. The Cocktails of Death
Moribund cocktails I've got the day off
Another day off: another cocktail party. Gobshite
Chewing gum is disgusting. £20,000 before breakfast
This morning's earnings. Cocktail Nostalgia
Capitalising on an unexpected opportunity to serve cocktails Invitation
A bright idea one Friday lunchtime. Pillow Talk
A joke. Of sorts. There are worse things than being eaten
I hope Bob Parsons doesn't read this. He'd post a comment, and then I'd be drawn into debate, which would bore me to tears. Important Notice about Parties and the Forthcoming Summer
Summer blogmeet. Saved Game
The no-longer-single censor gets to work. Long post (about 1.7 londonmarks)
Coupledom: the death of interesting blogs? George Lucas Says
Slight nonsense. Luckydip Afterlife
Tickets for the afterlife JGuitar
JGuitar is a set of useful tools for players of stringed instruments. The Shoe Project
Green wedge sandals. Pop Idol
Rufus Wainwright stole our hearts. Why April Fool's Day Sucks
In which Pete rants, only this time, it is pointlessly so. This weekend
Why do mothers always turn you into a teenager again? Our shour
Bathroom. Funny. The Trial
The story of the evil contact lenses. Everything but the junk drawer
Kitchen meme What larks?
Waking up too early on a Saturday morning. Happy St Patrick's Day!
In which we celebrate the day of fake irishmen swilling green guinness The University Challenge Game
How to make the best TV programme of the week even more fun. Why did I write this song on that one day?
How Pete and I would have got together anyway, one way or another. The Return Of FEEA
The return of the system for evaluating pastimes and distractions First Tango in Berkshire
Ballroom dancing and squash as an alternative to going to the gym. The Evil Of Advertising
In which Pete rants mildly. Law and Law. Order if you're lucky.
In which Pete rants mildly about the number of laws which we are obliged to follow these days. Fighting Over Foxes And Football
Why can't we all just get along? Miscellany
Meaningless drivel. Lying in Interviews
On getting jobs under false pretences. Weirdos
The mind boggles. Sometimes. John Hargrove's Credit Card Prank
John Hargrove sees how far he can push it, by signing credit card receipts with signatures that differ from the signature on his card. born. eat. shag. die
The Mayfly Project for 2004 General rant about Christmas
The same thing Karen posts every year about christmas cards. Hppy Txts
Good news on my phone. Deck the halls with piles of tat
The European Tat Mountain is exposed. An Apology
An apology for being hungover on Saturday night, and subsequently coming across as being a bit antisocial. A Creative Approach
Karen misses out on classics. The Uborka Advent Calendar
Introducing the Uborka Advent Calendar 2004 Sucker
Karen spends too much on hair product. Sturmy Skies
Karen moans about her new job. Old hair, New colour
Karen's hair. FEEA
A system for evaluating pastimes and distractions. The devil and the deep blue sea
Pete cooks the tea. The last buzz home
On working in a vibrator factory. A Good Job, Well Done
About Karen being happy in her job. Will O' The Wisp
My stepfather, the secret smoker. Dry Friday
Self-service cocktails. Industrious Windustrious Spider
Terrifying picture. Speech!
Cocktails and Weddings II Cognitive Dissonance
On commuting. Threat To Masculinity
There's actually nothing wrong with cushions. Last Will and Testament
Teenage dreams, so hard to beat. The Pizza Wheel
A damn good birthday present. Friday nights like you've never seen them before
In which he beats her at Monopoly. Again. Dotting the Eyes
In which my boss annoys me. The Wrong Toybox
Sex toys. Quote of the Day
Watch your mouth! More Job Blogging [because it is so NOW*]
Job blogging: The Recruitment Industry III 17 Points for Cocktails
Cocktails and Scrabble II I managed to finish the biscuits today
Job Blogging: The Recruitment Industry II People who came into the office today
Job Blogging: The Recruitment Industry I May 1979 Lancaster Canal
Karen & Nick. Cheers
Cocktails and Americans II And so... uh...
Blog consequences: The final chapter. Toe problems
I stubbed my toe earlier today. Everyone accused me of hobbling round and making a big meal of it, but it's bright purple now. I'm afraid that it's going to turn black and drop off. I took a photo of... Other People's Kinks
Despite the opinions of current and former colleagues, I am not the world's most prudish woman. You know this; you've seen my shoes. I would like to think of myself as an open-minded and tolerant kind of person, but frankly,... Come one, come all. Hell, just come.
Welcome one and all to the cocktail enjoyment process. First, may I begin by saying that I've been on holiday to Brighton today, and none of you have. Hah. I shall now dispense the beveragatude as rapidly as possible, before... A Bushy-Tailed Gentleman
Cockroach Hour
And here I am, for the second week running, serving drinks to the masses. And this week, as a special treat, the drinkies will have extra, exciting, added ingredients. Yum, I hear you cry. We'll see about that. I have... Thunderbugs
Thunderbugs are apparently also known as thrips. Their primary characteristic is that they get on your chips when you're by the seaside. They appear in hot weather, tiny and black like a plague of grocers apostophe's [sic]. I haven't... Isn't it obvious?
Carpent With Pete 1
Carpentry in the rain. Forthcoming carpentry
Without even the help of Ewan. A story about bicycles
Pete announces that he wants to have babies. In other news...
Divorce. Because I value your opinion
Survey. I'm ashamed. Why am I telling you all this?
Pete torches some defenceless spiders. Hit and Myth
In which the Uborkites are invited to settle an argument. The whole of the moon
Lunar eclipse Good Ikea
Karen's new desk (and no slippers) Cat pictures
Graybo the cat. Drawering to a close
This should probably be in the Geek category.

Gourmet - ↑

World of Food
All the goodies we bring back from around the world. Making Juice
Who said our grapes would never amount to anything? Beer Inventory
Beer tangent Fruit Quiz
Guess the name of the funny-looking fruit. I Swear, I Followed The Instructions Exactly
Perhaps the instructions were slightly wrong. A nice cup of tea
Get the dope on flying home from Switzerland. Bad Pie Experience
Mmmm... pie. Or, in this case, AARRGH! PIE! Enclosed Are Oil
The reason for the nonsensical comments on this photo are because I was simultaneously doing three things. A really good stuffed aubergine recipe
Aubergine stuffed with sweet potato and other - um - stuff. Juicy rare mistake
Delia gets it wrong. Hotelfest
Christmas at the Salthouse Harbour Hotel. Butternut Squash Lasagne
An improvement on the BBC recipe. Spinach
In which Karen vows to fight to the finish. Yes, she *is* Popeye the Sailorman. Seamless segue...
Lots of wine. The devil and the deep blue sea
Pete cooks the tea. The devil and the deep blue sea
Pete cooks the tea. Pub Lunches
Restaurant reviews: various in the Thames Valley. The Christ on a Bike Restaurant Rating Scale
Christ on a Bike. A Pain in the Right Eye
Restaurant review: Tapas and Migraines. Thai Square, Windsor
Restaurant review: The Thai Square, Windsor. No! Sushi
Restaurant Review: Yo! Sushi. Restaurant Review
Restaurant Review: The Royal India. For your own good
King size chocolate bar ban. That salty greek perversion
I must confess, I do have a bit of a thing for greek salad, particularly that delicious crumbly cheese, all moist and tangy. It tastes almost as good on the eye as on the tongue. Pete and I have just... Karen's Inkomplete Kookery Klass
Camembert. Kitchen Nightmares
In which Karen runs a hotel.

Gravitas - ↑

Youth, Impetuosity, Ignorance
Book review: Possession, by A.S. Byatt; and mention of The Virgin In The Garden and Babel Tower, by the same author. Also a coincidence. Backwards and Forwards
Book reviews: The Long View, by Elizabeth Jane Howard The Hundred Secret Senses, by Amy Tan. No.
Karen tries to trick Pete into going to see a period drama at the cinema. Classic Uborka That You May Have Forgotten
Let's go back in time... doo doo doo doo... A little survey
When the analog TV signal is turned off (in 2008?), what will YOU do? The most beautiful book in the world
Book review: Four Letters of Love, by Niall Williams Three more books
Book reviews: Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie Birds Without Wings by Louis de Bernieres Regeneration by Pat Barker MyBookMyBook
Online book swapping doesn't really work. Reading Festival 2005: Day 3
The conclusion. Reading Festival 2005: Day 2
The weekend, and the review, continues. Reading Festival 2005: Day 1
Review of the first day of the Reading Festival 2005 Help the Bombadier
Not a review of Catch 22. Suspension of Disbelief
Book reviews: One Of Us, by Michael Marshall Smith; & 100 Strokes of the brush before bedtime, by Melissa P. Mostly set in China
Book reviews: Shanghai Baby, by Zhou Wei Hui Winter, by Len Deighton The Kitchen God's Wife, by Amy Tan On Deadly Crud
Brief critique of Steven Segal's acting skills. Prepostrophes: A Series
Outrageous punctuation Unnatural Passions
Book review: Unnatural Passions by Jenny Diski I'm not too proud to do memes
A meme about time. The long, long hours
Book review: The Hours by Michael Cunningham Condensed Milk
Book review: The Sea Change, by Elizabeth Jane Howard How did they figure out his name?
Really, who cares? Nipples like two pink cherries embedded in brown sugar
Book review: The Virgin Suicides, by Jeffrey Eugenides. Nipples like garbanzos
Book review: Daughter of Fortune, by Isabel Allende. Shouldn't have to choose...
Book review: Five Quarters of the Orange, by Joanne Harris Practical Magic
Book review: Practical Magic, by Alice Hoffman. CD Sorting
Apologies for the abrupt ending - I realised that I didn't really have a point. Oh, gee!
Book review: The Line of Beauty, by Alan Hollinghurst That there is one damn fine coat you're wearin'
Review of the movie Sin City Worthy Tome
Book review: No Logo, by Naomi Klein Musicians need to stop putting "hidden tracks" on CDs
They really do. And here's why. Tried, I Really Have Tried
He rants at a pop band! Whatever next? Pffft
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Hard work
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 The Weirdest Thing Of All
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 This is so fucking exciting
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Geography cont'd
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Geography
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Blog-by-blog
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 The Real Reason
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 No points yet
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Portugese Point Returner
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 After The Austrians' Scores
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Past Winners and their lyrics
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Power Out
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovision 2005 Croatia Can't Win
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovison 2005 Missed All The Good Stuff
The fart-by-fart report on Eurovison 2005 Two more books
2 book reviews: The Time-Traveller's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger; and Small Island by Andrea Levy. Water Balloon Analogy
In which I compare writing songs to filling water balloons Closer
Songs titled Closer Another Re-read
Book review: Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, by Jeanette Winterson Like A Jelly
Book review: 1984 by George Orwell The Under Toad
Book review: The World According To Garp, by John Irving On The Town
Essential reading for New York? The Book Meme
qB gave me a meme, and I was stuck for content, so here it is. No noise nor silence, but one equal music
Book review: An Equal Music by Vikram Seth Doctor No-one
Actor Christopher Eccleston has quit as Doctor Who after just one episode of the new series has been screened, the BBC has confirmed. Surprisingly Good TV
Comments on Doctor Who, Joey and Help. Just keep passing the open windows
Book review: The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving Worst Sex Ever
Film Review: Showgirls People always clap for the wrong things
Book review: The Catcher In The Rye, by JD Salinger Best. Trailer. Ever.
Anything about HHGG is bound to be really geeky. This should be filed in Geek. Organised Jollity Alert
Mike's charity disco. Thank You
I like it when people send me random stuff off my wishlist. Wish it happened more often. Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Book review: Not the end of the world, by Kate Atkinson Teenage Goth
Suggestions for a CD for the Goth Sister. Book of the Year: 2005
Book review: A Prayer For Owen Meany, by John Irving Passion in a damp barge
Book review: The Four-Chambered Heart, Anais Nin Lifeless, dreamy disquiet
Book review: Mary, by Vladimir Nabokov The Kevin Bacon Game
Film Review [of a sort]: Footloose Choose your own clee-shay
Book reviews: Blackberry Wine: Joanne Harris The Haunted Hotel: Wilkie Collins Venice - Tales of the City: [ed] Michelle Lovric Fear of de Sade: Bernado Carvalho Freedom for just one night
Book review: The Powerbook: Jeanette Winterson Donnie Darko - Review by Karen
Donnie Darko - Review by Karen Sub-Nietzschean Short Stories
Book review: Death In Venice & Other Stories: Thomas Mann Uborka Filmclub
Filmclub returns - Donnie Darko! A very rude book
Book review: Submission by Marthe Blau Closer - Review by Pixeldiva
Closer - Review by Pixeldiva A peculiar love story
Book review: The Passion by Jeanette Winterson Closer - Three more reviews
Closer - Three more reviews Closer - Review by Lori Smith
Closer - Review by Lori Smith Closer - Donkey's Thoughts
Donkey's review of Closer The one thing we've got more of
Book review: Lucky by Alice Sebold Musical Meme
A content-free moment on a Sunday afternoon. Calling Thames Valley Bloggers
Invitation to see Closer. Book of the Year: 2005
Book review: The Woman in White: Wilkie Collins This Whole Film Club Thing
Donkey introduces the Uborka film club. With style. The Uborka! 2005 Film Club
A nice change from books. All about books this year - Part 6
The award for That makes no sense: Mr Landen Has No Brain by Stephen Walker. All about books this year - Part 5
The award for It's not just for kids: His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman. All about books this year - Part 4
The award for The guys who defined the genre and I have only just bothered to read them: William Gibson and Arthur C Clarke. All about books this year - Part 3
The award for Overrated? You betcha!: The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. All about books this year - Part 2
The award for Classic novel which I should have really read a long time ago: Lord of the Flies by William Golding. All about books this year - Part 1
The award for New discovery which I have overindulged in and now regret it: Robert Rankin The Uborka! Top Ten Books of the Year 2004
The best of the 67 books that Karen read during 2004. My Christmas Gift To The World
Pete performs "Have Yourself A Merry Christmas" Withstanding Obfuscation
A small rant about how every single show that I go to seems to end in a standing ovation. Even if it is shit. Two thirds of an album review
Album Review: U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb Whalefish, Whalefish, Whalefish
Book Review: Herman Melville - Moby Dick John Peel dies
RIP What Not To Watch
A dire TV show. Smell Tickets, but can't see them
Rant about ordering tickets. For fuck's sake
Observations on The Eagles and Gloria Gaynor. A grower and a stayer
Get to the Next Screen. My new instrument
The Picasso bass. Truth and Beauty
Book Review: Mark Sturdy - Truth & Beauty: The Story of Pulp Glorious Mud
Reading Festival 2005 The Trial
Film Preview: The Terminal This Much I Know
Rufus Wainwright. Once Upon A Time...
Adrian started our story... I was in Israel. I met a girl. She seemed nice. I wanted to kiss her. I didn't. I'm shy. I wrote her an 8 page letter. In the dark. I have no idea what I... Summer Storm
Unbrella'd, I walked home. Single spots of rain soaked my shirt, And the wind whipped up a cloud of dandelion clocks Like the insignificant tumbleweed in an empty comments box. I lay down underneath the storm, Listening to thunder clogging... Wordsmith
I wandered lonely, As a whelk that swims in deep Blue ocean* waters. *pron. o-shun, not oh-shee-un. It matters.... The Cocktail EP
For a year I lived on my own without a television or a computer, and with neighbours who liked Meatloaf. I bought a stereo to drown them out, and also because people kept raving about the new Massive Attack album,... We'll use the one thing we've got more of
I've got lots of reasons for choosing Mis-Shapes by Pulp to go on the Uborka Mix CD. The first was the way that it changed the way that I thought about myself. Before I heard this song, I was a... It's a town full of losers
I've got it: my favourite song ever, and I suspect that you're mostly going to hate it, which makes it good revenge for Morrissey: Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen, whose dreary outlook was oh so much more poetical than The... The concrete is always greyer on the other side of the picket fence
Judy Rumbold Leader of the Bat: A Musical
A medley. A poem
The one about the pencil.

Guests - ↑

Promptly got killed on the next zebra crossing
A short story by the Uborkites. Chapter IX: The Timidity Plea
At the trial I decided to represent myself. My testimonial ran as follows: Over the course of the first year of their marriage, somewhere in the east, I'd gouged out her eyes with my trusted knife and I think the... Chapter VIII: Pandora's Inbox
Over the course of the first year of their marriage, Dorothy Sevitz had learnt to adjust her expectations downwards. Every evening - the very second that dinner was cleared away and the dishwasher loaded - Adrian would hastily mumble his... Chapter VI: Love at Last Sight
Before I knew what had happened, I'd gouged out her eyes with my trusted knife and stuffed the sockets with little bits of mangled fox. Whilst this superfluous act of gristly decoration might not have helped my case later on... Chapter 5: Suspicion
I this point I began to become suspicious. Something was up. I think the girl was psycho. More psycho than girls in general are. Was I safe? I didn't think so. All I had to go on was my SAS... Chapter 4: The next four minutes
What was it that I found so beguilingly familiar about that Bowie-eyed woman? My mind searched my memory in the same fruitless manner a man might pathetically grope around for his recently plucked and discarded eyeballs. As a logical and... Chapter II. Postscript to an Overture (by way of a middle)
I'd like to think of that as a sort of overture to my story. A dumb show, if you like. But there's much more to it, and I think I'll show my self to have been even dumber than this... Pintophobia
No, not an irrational fear of a certain model of crap car, but slang for drinkytime. The inimitable Doctor Pockless is trying to keep his fear of the lesser spotted belfry bat at bay with small, but regular doses of... All my fears - revealed!
I've been staring at the latest Uborka theme all week, thinking that I really ought to write something about it. Indeed, if I were to forget my natural unassuming modesty, I could almost imagine that some people might have been... I fear thirst. And other things.
I'm off travelling for work this afternoon, and won't get back until after the usual cocktail hour on Friday. I'm afraid that I'll be thirsty. So I'm going to put my order in for vodka and tonic right now. But... On Blindness and Lunacy
I dare not put what I am most afraid of into words. In order for it not to overwhelm me it must remain nebulous and unacknowledged, forever at arm's length from my conscience. In as much as I am willing... Two-thirty
This millennium, there have been two occasions in which I have come very close to being deaded (there were some last millennium as well, but you tend not to appreciate these things as a teenager). The first was a car... My Subconscious
Stupid, maybe, but true. I suspect there's some sort of control room in the deep recesses of the lump of grey goo I occasionally use for thinking which could present reasons to justify why it happens, but sometimes I scare... Dear Kate
Hello. I am an administrative assistant for the Powers That Be, and am writing on their behalf. The Powers That Be wish to express their surprise at your faith in them to alleviate loneliness, financial distress, unemployment and a number... I don't write letters
I wrote a letter once. I was in Israel. I met a girl. She seemed nice. I wanted to kiss her. I didn't. I'm shy. I wrote her an 8 page letter. In the dark. I have no idea what... The Dwindling Exactitude of Mail, part 4
Thank you for the postcard. Given that you had a space of approximately 7 by 10 centimetres in which to write, I think you did rather well. I did not mean to seem overly dismissive of Mr. Wingman's comments... King's College Chapel at Sunset
Dear Dr. Pockless,Please forgive the use of a postcard, rather than a true letter, but I expect that this missive will be short, and I have something of a stockpile of these cards. I digress, more on that later.I feel... The Dwindling Exactitude of Mail, parts 3/a and 3/b
Dear Karen, Thank you for your last letter. It was greatly appreciated. Though it is tempting to reminisce about our past correspondence in more detail, I am aware of an audience also looking over your shoulder who might not be... Adeptus Titanicus
Dear Doctor Pockless, I am forced to agree with your recent thoughts on letters- I too have noticed a severe drop-off in my own letter output. I attribute this mainly to the fact that my hand-writing, never good at the... we get letters
-----Original Message----- From: Joe Maloney (7481) Sent: 22 July 2004 15:35 To: Nicholls, Daniel X Subject: RE: offensive yes. The school therapist in my elementary school was very keen on writing letters to people that you didn't intend to send,... The Dwindling Exactitude of Mail, part 2
Dear Uborkites, I am disappointed that none of you have yet taken up my challenge from yesterday. Perhaps it was my disagreeable humour. Or was it that you too had to pick up the kids from school? Come on now,... The Dwindling Exactitude of Mail, part 1
Dear Uborkites, Given that you are all to some extent or another committed writers, I am aware that I am preaching to the converted. Nevertheless, the ill about which I intend to write inflicts even myself. Since "letters" are this... Huge Pulsating Cock Tales
Hmmrr-hmm-hrm-hmm mmmhrrrm-hrrrhm-hur-hum-mrrrh /removes inflatable gag and gimp hood Sorry, that's no way to introduce myself as the barman for the day, although for the benefit of some of our patrons I will keep the long wig and leather duster jacket... Revealing
Actually, the most revealing thing about this week's "kink" theme at Uborka has been the number of regular contributors who have said nothing and have kept very, very, very quiet in the corner. Look, we are all amongst friends here....... Swarming Like Flies
With this week's Uborka Artist in Residence, Ray Davies. Dirty old river, must you keep rolling Flowing into the night People so busy, makes me feel dizzy Taxi light shines so bright But I don't need no friends As long... Terry and Julie
Oh, Doctor Pockless! Doctor Pockless! I see your Lola and your Dedicated Follower of Fashion, and raise you Waterloo Sunset - not only the greatest Ray Davies song, but simply one of the greatest songs ever. Of course, I would... Oh yes he is (oh yes he is).
With this week's Uborka Artist in Residence, Ray Davies. They seek him here, they seek him there, His clothes are loud, but never square. It will make or break him so he’s got to buy the best, ’cause he’s a... Kink Kink Kink.
I want a threesome. Men need not apply... Pole position
If you look at my nose in profile, it has a kink in it. Like, it starts at a nice, level decline, and then about halfway through, jerks off at a 45-degree angle. As a small child, I remember hating... She Nearly Broke My Spine
In this week's Doctor Pockless' Poetry Masterclass I'll be in conversation with Ray Davies. We'll be looking at the extracts from some of his most famous works and asking if Mr. Davies ought to have been made poet laureate or... Porn, the dawn of the false expectation
Right, kink it is. A theme almost designed for me. On a site my mom doesn’t read. Hopefully. I want to leap straight in with porn. Or more to the point a complaint about porn. As a young lad, porn... My Favorite Sins
Imagine a nun singing this to a small assembly of children, that should be kinky enough. High-heel clad toesies, And latex sex-kittens, Bright rosy nipples And tight bondage mittens. Mummified perverts All tied up with string, These are a few... Thirsty
They say that too much beer Will result in feeling queer; So, to keep me hearty and hale Can I have a nice cocktail?... Beetle Bones & Smokin' Stones
beatle bones and smokin` stones The dry sands fall the strawberry mouth strawberry moth STRAWBERRY CATERPILLAR strawberry butterfly strawberry fields All the winged eel slither on the heels of today`s children "Strawberry Fields Forever" yeah roosters ol glass roosters stick... Unexpected Music
The postman arrives, bills fall to the floor, My ebay purchase! I run to my door. A white, padded parcel enclosing CD Promotional album by Kid Symphony I'm tearing it open, but wait, what is this? A slipcase proclaiming -... Another Melodious Ode to Melons
For Jo When melon ripe the bug bemoans The happy crunch of beetle bones Is a source of untold joy As you insectile worlds destroy There falls Sparta, there falls Rome There falls another aphid's home When empires of the... Scott feeds his soul to the cynics
He fled from cliche in much the same way   Liars avoid those things they have lied of As night flees from day he fled from cliche   As an affliction that one might die of  Hearing a joke he would not... Afternoon Tea
The late Stanley Finkleter's verse has been described as "cumbersome" for more than one reason. Here is the second. Melon vine, melon vine Milk of sweet cucumber wine Cultivate me, bathe my eyes Rinse out the nightly Tide of brine... Uborkitude
In the nest of A wading stork Where newborn storklets Their cry uncork Might an inclined ear Encounter talk Dissimilarly hued And yet of uniform walk Occasionally rude And occasionally queer Emmanating from The pickled sphere The restless whispers From... Roundelay
on all that strand at end of day steps sole sound long sole sound until unbidden stay then no sound on all that strand long no sound until unbidden go steps sole sound long sole sound on all that strand... Home from the nightshift
3.30am, it is, in my flat (and the surrounding area, clearly, but that goes without saying. The aim, really, is to get to the point. Which I shortly will do) It's 3.30 now and my mind is awake. I do... Coming in at number 4
Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England Azagoths of Kria Vogons Adrian Sevitz of Wandsworth Town, London, England (formally Johannesburg, South Africa) After a break up To cheer up Girls get ice cream So things aren't as bad as... Untitled No. 37
Are You Lost?
I won't be able to make it to cocktails today (I'll be partaking of the bucks fizz at a friend's wedding), but for anyone who's accidentally scrolled down too far...... The Alpine Hoover
Heretinatrix
"Tell me Don Requinio, do you confess your sins?!"... girl swallows fear, liquor, each to be vomited up the next morning
Untitled No. 36
Just When You Thought...
In a dramatic misunderstanding of what Blogrolls are really all about, and forgetting her own dyslexia, Aristide dives into shark.... And the sleaze moves on
afterthought mistakenly given more emphasis
Hoopy Frood
Has anyone seen where I left my pair of Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses?... Man eats pie for impressed onlooker
The Yoke of Profound Distraction
NOTE: Those of you thinking of leaving early to avoid the rush to the car park would do well to remember that cocktails will be served this afternoon following the final lectures of the Symposium. For more information, you'll have... Keats' Dung Beetles
Ecology as a whole is a...hobby of mine. Much like the good Dr. Pockless, whose line in lepidoptery veers off the chart of scientific intrigue towards something which I shudder to think of as being near to, or at least... The Humble Brown Second Best
Sadly, our gargantuan Papilio Antimachus broke free of her moorings during the night and did untold damage to the new ornamental gardens outside the science block, overturning a miniature decorative bridge, devouring saplings and causing the night watchman to scold... Exquisite Rigs
Papilio Antimachus, ladies and gentlemen, might seem a humble specimen on the screen behind me. But it is the largest butterfly to herald from the African continent. So large, in fact, that you can forget your ordinary butterfly pins. If... Plagues #8 and #9
The Isle of Wight is far from the Egypt of the Biblical Era. I'd say a couple of thousand miles and a few thousand years is pretty far, wouldn't you? But there were regular plagues. Mini ones... A couple of... Songs featuring insects #2
Don't tread on an ant, he's done nothing to you! There might come a day when he's treading on you! Don't tread on an ant, you'll end up black and blue You cut off his head, legs come looking... Sorry*
Dear Karen, We were horrified to learn that your last meeting with us left you somewhat traumatised. We hope you will not let a few of our less hospitable inhabitants discourage you from visiting us again. Please allow us to... Songs featuring insects #1
Dolly Parton memorably sang Love Is Like A Butterfly (lyrics). Sadly, history does not record how Ms Parton reacted upon discovering exactly what those cruel, heartless butterfly catchers actually do to butterflies - although her follow-up single, Love Is Like... All the Mingled People, and Chub
Due to an error in the timetabling of the Symposium I accidentally delivered two lectures yesterday. Atherton Frisby was furious. In consequence I'm afraid this means that Dr. Steven Badgett's lecture, Yeats' Dung Beetles, has been cancelled. I was really... Spider sense tingling
Spider-Man 2 – Deleted scenes #6 A long-distance telephone call. Bruce Wayne: So, you heard what Spider-Man's been up to recently? Clark Kent: Nope. Wayne: You sound really interested. Kent: I am, I am, go on. Wayne: Well, do you... Worrisome Canker Pig
Today I give you Agrius Narcissus, an insect held by many experts to be the most beautiful of its kind now living. I'm not sure I agree, but its carmine banding is a splendour to behold. The specimen I received... i'm this week's morrissey
I don't want to be the asshole around here. I really don't. ... But, you play the personality you're dealt. So in the spirit of anal retention, let's all remember that spiders aren't insects, MMM-KAY? That's all! I'll be in... A reason not to go "oop north"
There be spiders.... Dumont no. 5 Stainless Steel Forceps
Let us begin the week with a specimen of the Ornithoptera Priamus Aureus, or the Jaded Merryboil, principally found in Alpine regions and certain suburbs of Swindon. I must say I was impressed by how neatly this little blighter was... bzzzzzzz
I live in a townhouse in a row of townhouses facing another row of townhouses. Between the two rows is a stretch of grass, spotted here and there with trees and shrubbery, and a pathway leading in and out. One... Die arachnid die
I hate spiders. Largely because they are evil like fu.... breath in breath out ... calm. That and because I am arachnophobic. Badly. I once woke up to find a spider the size of my hand on the wall above... Gynandromorphic Speculation
Welcome to the first of my special lectures on the subject of lepidoptery. Over the course of the week we will look at a number of special butterflies and consider what we might learn not only about them, but also... The Fleshy Comforts of The Mouth
When speaking of insects one tends to think immediately of those small air-breathing arthropods who are generally referred to as creepy-crawlies. Those many-legged ambassadors to the Wyrd that manifested themselves most grotesquely in Sartre's nauseous terror that his tongue would... Magazine - A Song From Under The Floorboards. (1980)
OK, so I can't really claim that this song represents my blog. It does, however, represent an important period of transition in my life. Like so many people (if I only I had known it), I had spent most of... les cocktails! le huzzah! let's get le drunk!
The Uborkess herself asked me to post a couple of reminders. "Sure!" I said. "I write reminders all the time!" The problem is, mostly I write them to myself, and mostly they don't work. I have one by my elbow... O Clouds Unfold!
Bring Bow of burning gold: Bring Arrows of desire: Bring me Spear: O clouds unfold! And though I rest from Mental Fight, And though sword sleeps in hand I will not rest til Jerusalem is built In Englands green... Cast your cares away...
Ideally the contributed tracks should represent you, or reflect the personality of your weblog [if any], or somehow summarise the last six months of your life. That sort of thing. Given that this was my idea, I'm somewhat embarrassed (and... Between the ridiculous and the sublime
I cannot think of my song. I have tried, for days upon days, but I cannot think of a song that reflects my blog. It has, I admit, come to me in this time (and I admit, I may have... No Colours Anymore
Choosing a song for the UborMix (UberMix?) has been harder than I thought. It doesn't help that I slammed Mark for his choice of artiste and in doing so, left myself wide open for criticism of my own preferences. (Hang... all brine and piss and vinegar
I can't remember a time when The Decemberists weren't among my favorite bands, even though it was only a few months ago that I first came across their music. "Grace Cathedral Hill," a ballad (ballad? that seems too cheesy, like... Freedom
Having used up all of my song-related anecdotes with my 31 Songs misadventure last December, it was natural to turn to the music I've collected this year for inspiration. Not that that limits me to newly released CDs; the steady... Shine Forth on Clouded Hills
And did those feet in ancient times, Walk upon mountains green? And was the holy Lamb of God, On England's pleasant pastures seen? And did the Countenance Divine, Shine forth on clouded hills? And was Jerusalem In the dark... 'A Little Something' - Disco Inferno
"When I was youngI was taught a little songI only ever sing itWhen things are going horribly wrong ..." Listen to the song here, for a Limited! Period! Only! On every mix CD, I have a theory that there should... You always were the one
Well, for me there's still really only one perfect song for the UborCD. You always were the one to show me how Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now This thing is slowly taking me... Live from New York, it's petit Hiboux
You called me last night on the telephone And I was glad to hear from you 'cause I was all alone You said, "It's snowing, it's snowing! God, I hate this weather." Now I walk through blizzards just to get... The Style
Hey hey! This all looks cracking. My nomination or, as some would have it, choix du semaine for the Uborka Mix CD is Athlete's 'We Got The Style'. I would quote some lyrics, but sizing up the songsheet I would... Yogurt
You know what this CD lacks?... 'rabbit in your headlights' - unkle
my nominated track is an electronic one (surprise surprise). but at least this one has words..! i love the lyrics, but what has always stood out to me is the sample from jacob's ladder: If you're frightened of dyin' and... Return
Uborka Mix CD: 'Come Back To Camden' - Morrissey Your leg came to rest against mine Then you lounged with knees up and apart And me and my heart, we knew We just knew, for evermore Where taxi drivers never... Uborka Mix CD:
'Dog is Life/Jerusalem' - The Fall
You don't see rabbits being walked down the street And you don't see many cats on leads Dogs pet dogs dogs rapacious wet dogs Owner of dogs slow-witted dog owner Owner of rabid dog saving fare for tunnel Euro-dream of... Blue skies from pain
Nominating a single song for anything is hard. To select one song, you are selecting one genre too. You have to eliminate songs that have a special meaning (Belly, Feed the Tree, My first alternative song), have a special gravel... Uborka Mix CD:
'Try a Little Tenderness' - Otis Redding
"That record it’s so about pure things it make you want to cry. Why’s the world so tough? It’s like walking through meat in high heels. Nothing’s shared out right, money or love. I’m a quiet person me. People think... Knowing mead, knowing Uborka
So, another cocktail afternoon. Let us begin with Adrian. May I introduce you to Juliet. The positions you both assume in private will be entirely your own business, but when you're done, here is some ale for you. Miss... To D or not to D
I have the honour of presenting D-let, Prince of Acerbia, Act II, Scene ii. GUILDENMARK My honoured lord! ROSENBLOGRAPHY My most dear lord! D-LET My excellent good friends! How dost thou, Guildenmark? Ah, Rosenblography! Good lads, how do ye both?... Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Blog
A classic song from 1965, strangely omitted from the Beatles' Anthology: Try to read it his way, Does he have to keep on writing till he can't go on? While you read it your way, Run the risk of knowing... Song For Eulot
Overheard coming from a cubicle at the Electric Ballroom last weekend: Confidence is a prerequisite for the habitual reader of what is known as... (Marklife!) Plot disclosure can be mute if you bumble along the route through what is known... A gentleman's gentleman
One summer, the ageing blogger of Darlington Hall embarks on a leisurely holiday that will take him deep into the English countryside and into his past… Browsing through the secondhand section of Blackwell's, I came across a novel which I... Liber Paginarum Fulvarum
In an effort to get out of the house on a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon I decided that I'd head up to Highgate village and scour the old bookshops for anything interesting. My shelves already boast a first edition... The good of the game
Football fans who are beginning to suffer withdrawal effects now that Euro 2004 has ended have only a few weeks to pretend to be interested in other sports until the new season begins. And as the BBC's flagship football programme... Bottoms Up
A couple of years ago now I was working in an advertising agency in Chelsea, well, it was really in Battersea, but we claimed it was waterfront Chelsea property because that was more likely to impress clients. We had a... Caesar salad days
After attending and enjoying Rufus Wainwright and Kate McGarrigle's performance at the Royal Festival Hall last month, I was wandering around the South Bank, wondering what other shows I might be able to take in to exploit more fully London's... Hooray for Alphabets (and Divorces)
A is for Adrian, who is showing off (again) and who got so excited he forgot to leave his drink order, and so, shall have a bucket of ice instead, because he so obviously needs it. B is for Bloody... Girls, a User Guide: Part 6 - N - Blind Drunk
Best laid plans and all that. Time has fleeted and there are cocktails to be served, and a divorce to be celebrated. So, since I've run out of time, brain power, and many, many other things, the drinks thing today... Girls, a User Guide: Part 5 - M
M is for Mother Yes, dear boys. That's right. Mother. Specifically, hers. Your potential Mother-in-Law. Also, a fair indication (give or take the odd exception that proves the rule) of what she will become, given 20-30 years. The Mother is... Girls, a User Guide: Part 4 - L
After an almost two month break, the (in)famous “Girls, a User Guide” is back on your screens. Previous instalments of the guide can be found here, here and here. Go ahead and catch up. I can wait. *taps toe delicately... Venus: Kittentails
Ah, the bullfruit of relationships! It's amazing how many of you sidled up to the bar when it came to finding alcoholic ways to slam your mates, future mates, and ex mates. martian-venusian harmony relations be damned, eh? We've only... Mars: Cocktails
Imagine a smooth, liquid transition from the theme of the weeks' writings into a marvellously witty angle on serving cocktails. Imagine how we may have sown the seeds of this approach in earlier articles, building up in a spectacularly planned... Venus: Marriage
RUN.... Mars: Marriage
This is it, gents. The big one. In the relationship game of chess, this is checkmate, this is the goal. Much like chess, in fact, bringing it about will involve a lot of contrived manoeuvring, and planning as many moves... Venus: Arguments
Look, the sad fact of the matter is, even the most free-wheeling, man-eating happy single gal out there will eventually find that apartments are cheaper for two serious relationships are worth the effort. But oy VEY how much effort? The... Mars: Arguments
Into every life a little rain must fall. If something goes awry and your lady is not happy, then things are looking bad. You've obviously made a mistake somewhere along the line, or that angelic beauty of yours would not... Venus: Sex
Sex for women is a complicated, emotional thing. We must understand that it is not our personal climax that is the most important, but rather how well we connect with our lovers and enjoy the mutual pleasure of being... Mars: Sex
There is a saying; ‘ladies first’. This is clearly only applicable in sexual situations with three or more participants, so for the purposes of today’s post we shall have to adapt it to ‘lady first’. Sexual intercourse, or ‘fruiting’, is... Venus: Dating
Perhaps you’re under the impression that dating is a complicated, delicate jeux a deux. That’s where you’re wrong. Here’s the wonderful thing about being a woman – you’re pretty much completely in charge. When those Martians (via methods and technologies... Mars: Dating
The first tentative hours in each others’ company are essential in setting the tone of any burgeoning relationship and are disproportionately crucial in getting any girl to ever even think of walking down the aisle with you. So, as a... Introducing Mars and Venus
Men and Women are very different. It is said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and this poses some very interesting questions. Which gender took the time and trouble to develop a sound agricultural and primary... How To... Leave the place nice for the next people
And that's it for the week. It's been interesting - but as of tomorrow we're going to instead see Uborka covered in pink fluffy bunnies, red velvet hearts, and shedloads of cloying flowers. Yes, from the cellars of Lyle and... How To... Serve Drinks
Ladies and Gentlemen, the bar is open. Sit the f*ck down, shut the f*ck up. You'll get the drinks in a minute - but if you don't quieten down, I'll throw 'em at you.... How To... Take Drinks Orders
In my experience, particularly when busy, the best way is to stand behind the bar and yell "What the f*ck do you want to drink, you ravening hordes of b@st@rds?" Of course, that wouldn't suit you genteel Uborka sorts. So... May Week (Full Version)
This week in Cambride is May Week. As Vaughan pointed out earlier, it is now June. Not even early June either. Quite how a university which prides itself in being one of the best in the world manages not to... How to....... End up with a very expensive wardrobe
No, Adrian, this isn't about going to Ikea. Obtaining what amounts to being a very expensive wardrobe is actually surprisingly simple. What you need to do is attend an event at a hotel that is at the higher end of... How to... Swear
Well, for those who couldn't guess, this is the predictable Lyle® post - Swearing for Beginners. Swearing was always supposed to be the last refuge of the illiterate and ill-educated. A "Gentleman" would have enough of a vocabulary to express... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
To Be (Dis)continued
Oh! But a week seems just too short, doesn't it? (Humour me; I know that's not what you're thinking). There are so many essential blogging terms that I didn't get round to: Linkyluuuurrvve, Navelgazing, Ofuscation, and Starf***ers (I'm especially disappointed... An Incomplete A to Z of Cocktails
(We only reached I, actually)
Good afternoon all, and welcome to a decidedly alphabetical Uborka cocktail hour. Graybo has kindly offered to act as waitress for this afternoon's imbibement, and will be passing amongst you distributing a few finger-bowls of Alphabetti Spaghetti, whilst I deal... An Incomplete A to Z of Cocktails
Order now to avoid disappointment!
You'll have noticed, if you've been paying attention, that this week's themes have been blogging and luuuurrvve. With luuuurrvve also being the theme of last week's cocktail hour, the only other option was blogging. But Graybo and I thought about... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
H is for Hiatus
In next week's edition of our hit soap opera, The Cucumbers, it looks like one of our heroes is for the chop as rumours grow that a summer salad is about to prepared ... but now on Uborka TV, it's... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
F is for First Among Bloggers
I've never quite understood this incessant need for certain bloggers who are a bit long in the tooth (although only in blogging years, of course) to have to try and validate their existence by continually telling us that They Were... Graybo's Incomplete Lexicon of Luuuurrvve
N is for Nudity
Nudity is a powerful tool in the world of luuuurrvve. However, it should be used sparingly and with caution, as an excess of nudity can, at best, lead to a reduction in its special nature and, at worst, result in... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
C is (also) for Comments
Comments are the most obvious way in which a blogger can gauge whether his or her profound words are being read and appreciated. Although many of us will - like every second-rate indie band of the 1990s - claim that... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
C is for CMS
Speaking of blogmeets, as we were, the most eagerly debated subject at such gatherings is usually "What's your favourite type of cheese?" But close behind is a topic that has everybody teetering on the edge of their seats and drooling... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
B is (also) for Blogmeet
Not to be confused with blogmeat. We don't talk about the cannibalistic branch of the family. It's a filthy habit. I love blogmeets. That's a strange thing for me to admit, considering that I'm known for my social-phobic tendencies, and... Graybo's Incomplete Lexicon of Luuuurrvve
F is for Flowers
Hmm. I know that this is a pretty old and tatty copy of the Lexicon that I'm working from here (well thumbed, you might say) and that the binding is wrecked, but who pulled out the F pages and stuffed... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
B is for Blog-Ring
I'm sure you're all aware of the conventional definition of blog-rings. They're either huge and unwieldy, with a list of members as long as your arm that you would never consider browsing (e.g. 'The People With Ears Blog-Ring'), or they're... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
A is (also) for A-list
Ah, the mystical wonder of the A-list. For years, it was the Golden Calf at the End Of The Rainbow and the Prize That Was Beyond Reach in the Land of Nirvana. And stuff. The A-list was where the Beautiful... Graybo's Incomplete Lexicon of Luuuurrvve
P is for Passion
After "A" comes "P", as every bright and well-educated child will tell you. And they will also tell you that, in Graybo's Lexicon of Luuuurrvve (a book that should be in every school's library), P is for Passion. Passion is... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
A is for Aardvark
Let's start at the very beginning, because it's a very good place to start. Aardvarks are ugly little animals, in all honesty. Only an aardvark's mother could really love an aardvark. However, despite their distinctive and off-putting features, they have... Relationship breakdown
So, it seems my partner has a week-long headache and doesn't want to join in with my Week of Luuuurrvve. Well, I'll do what any sensible adult would do in any long term and serious relationship when faced with a... An Incomplete A to Z of Blogging
(or: What To Do When You're Out Of Ideas)
Good evening, my ripe little courgettes! My oh my, aren't you all looking mouthwateringly succulent and green tonight? If I wasn't quite so shy and reserved, I'd grab one of you, bite off your nobbly tip, spit it out and... Concombres is French for Uborka
Bonjour, mes petits concombres, de Angers en France. Lamentably, I'm here due to work, and not for reasons of love or passion (although I love my work and have a passion for it) and shall be travelling back to the... Krissa & Stuart's Online Engagement Party.
Ah, me. The sweet scent of celebration is in the air today at Uborka, as an eager and thirsty huddle of well-wishers from both sides of the Atlantic Ocean gather together to raise a glass in honour of Krissa's and... Cocktails and nibbly bits: your orders please
Can someone help me get this pinney tied on at the back? Thanks. Apologies for the short delay. We value your business, customers. There can only be one theme for today's cocktails. The theme of LURVE. And you all know... Recipes of yesteryear.
Dodo en croute with a fweet chilli jam, ferved on a polenta and wafabi oatcake. Firft, catch your Dodo. Decapitate and bone. (If boiled for many hourf, ye bill may make a fuperlative and nourifhing - if, alaf, fomewhat noxiouf... Tales from the Audit Trail Part 1
*Everyone* thinks that audit is about examining accounts. It isn't if you can avoid it! I have been fortunate in my career to audit some very interesting organisations. Not least HM Customs and Excise. Import Duties was always a good... Channel 4 script editors can kiss my sweet ass goodbye.
For my first ever guest-blogging gig, I thought that, like many other recent temporary Uborkians, I should adopt some sort of overall theme for the week. Having pondered long and hard, I have finally reached a decision. For this week's... Once again hangin' out with all your friends, It's not my scene, I'm only here for your company
She was nineteen, I was twenty. She was the most beautiful person I'd ever met. It took me months of self-doubt and anguish to get the nerve to ask her out. I said I'd always wanted to ballroom dance in... Pick-a-Path Adventure
Time for a bit of role-playing: Your character is a single male New Zealander, just turned 27. You live in London, and have done so for three years. Education-wise, you have a degree in English Studies and another in Film... Chewie and I have gotten into pants a lot more heavily guarded than this.
I picked up A Grand Don't Come For Free (from Asda!) yesterday, and just finished listening to it (`bout three minutes ago). The Streets are a strange enough sound as it is, but this album is additionally atypical in that... I told her I thought it was important, That you could get lost in conversation.
There's a scene in Good Will Hunting in which Robin Williams asks Matt Damon: "What's a good book?" and he replies: "Whatever blows your hair back." What's blowing my hair back at the moment is this book called 'The User... Then we take Berlin
Fine. He turns up days late and immediately starts lowering the tone. I'd invite him to step outside, but he seems to have Adrian Sleaze Bits on his side and I'm not sure I could take them both at once.... Whatever you've done don't try to explain
So anyway, I've got this friend, Paul, who is something of a corybantic drunk. When he gets drunk he's very liable to get naked, or get violent, or at the very least do something incredibly stupid. So, we're at this... Prizegiving
Well, I didn't think that there'd be such a good selection of entries and while no-one discovered such classics as "I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney",... Uborka Street
INT. THE SAUSAGE AND CUCUMBER FREE HOUSE – EVENING The pub is quiet for a Friday night and only a few of the regulars are in. In the corner, PIX huddles over an empty table and pulls her coat tightly... And now a message from our sponsors
You ain't seen me... ...roight!... Lesse is More
And now on Channel Uborka, we bring you the stunning new documentary from controversial investigative reporter, Richard Lesse. Viewers are warned that are some scenes in the following programme may contain people talking. Younger viewers may like to know that... Quiz time
And now for our weekly Channel Uborka competition. As we're rapidly approaching the summer blockbuster movie season, we are offering a chance for you to go to a movie of your choice at a cinema of your choosing1 if you... transamulation.
i wonder at the things i get myself into, sometime. don't even remember signing up for this. hell, i don't even write on my own site anymore. you see, y'all speak English, and here i just talk American. and my... Cooking with Dragon
Good afternoon and welcome to you all on this beautiful summers day. If you're sitting here reading this while the sun is high in the sky and there's not a cloud to be seen - what are you doing? Get... cheers, m'dears
jack lives here, so help yourself lyle. i'm not sure what brand of beer your parents drank, but if you feel like giving them something back, may i recommend a nice vb. for stuart, a guiness. sorry mate, i didn't... My First … Alcoholic Drink
1983. The Fire Station Hall School Disco I’d badgered by parents for weeks to let me go, without the chaperoning influence of my elder sister. One week before the event of the year, they folded under the continuous pressure and... my first : taste of drum & bass
anyone who knows me knows how much i love this particular genre of music, and it all started with roni size's new forms. i was at home wrestling with a particularly nasty essay, and my then-boyfriend had come over to... My first ... hayfield liaison
I'll admit I can be somewhat brazen at times. Not that often, but when it happens I tend to just go with it, after all why fight Mother Nature? One afternoon in late summer I was in a pub waiting... smoke
i was 19, it was the year after i finished high school and before i started uni. i was doing alot of theatre work, mainly as backstage crew, the experience of which can be summed up in one word: waiting.... My First ... Car
I've always had a bit of a soft spot for mechanical things, being more into Meccano than Barbie when younger. I had scooters then motorbikes long before I thought about having a car. So I was approaching my 21st birthday... My First... paid employment
At the age of eleven I was living on an RAF base in Germany. Normally I enjoyed the relocation to a new country every three years or so, but the move from England a couple of months earlier had been... win
in my family, my father is the risk-taker, the gambling man. but my mother is is the one with the luck. she has something of a reputation for it. there must be something funny with the wiring in the big... The effects of information overload
Betts and I were discussing what next to write about. The problem is that by the end of the week my brain has all but switched off, and the part that is responsible for "amusing insights" has gone on sabbatical.... Sundowners African Style
To the guy who stole my bagel and proclaimed "he was there first" when I tried to explain it was my order - You weren't. Knobber. To the obvious out of towners/foreigners who were all standing on the left hand... Scandal on the Uborka
It appears some schmuck pretended to be me last night and posted some drunken depressing ramble. I have no idea who this 'pretender' may be, but I can assure it it's not me. I would never lower the tone of... 10 Things that suck about being a lawyer
I never really dreamt of being a lawyer. I’ve told this story a million times, but I landed up being in law because of a poor choice on my degree application form. I got into architecture at 2 universities, and... Anatomy of the daily commute- London
I remember the good old days - 1997 to be precise. Getting to work was easy. Hopped in the car, when I wanted to and within 20 or so minutes was safely at work. Door to door. 20 miles. Easy... Anatomy of the daily commute- Johannesburg
Thanks again Karen for the guest spot here at Uborka. Im not sure it was a good idea to get Sevitz or I ranting too much, but anyway. So today, we've decided on stress and commutting in our respective cities.... Introducing Black Betty Sea Bitch
In 1977, the obscure American band Ram Jam adopted blues cult hero Leadbelly’s song “Black Betty” as part of the band’s proposed conquest of the world’s airwaves. It was no wonder that world domination was not immediately forthcoming, and the... Introducing Bitter Marl
My fellow guest blogger, who should be along tomorrow morning to introduce my good self, is my friend Marlon. Marlon, or Marl I met at university in 1993. Marl was different to all the other kids. Marl viewed the world... Girl Drink Drunk
Well, if it was ever a week I needed a drink this was it. So I'm going first, and I'm having the biggest, pinkest, most decorated cocktail I can find. *drains bucket* Right. Now on to serving you lot. Green... Girls, a User Guide: Part 3 - I - K
I is for Illegal... Older than 16 – ok. Younger than 16 – not. Rocket science it ain’t. I is also for Inexplicable... It’s a girl thing. Accept it and life will be far easier for you.... how to be a girl, beginners yadda yadda ' e'
Essex road, 10pm, Wednesday. A true story You know what the problem wiv gurls is? Fink they can do everyfink. E for fuckin Everyfink. Modern Gurls, vat is. Not like my old mum. Proper girl she wuz. But 'eese modern... Girls - How to be one. A Beginners Guide. Part one - B-D
In this filthy age, it seems to be a widely held belief that the lady's wonder-hole is for 'putting things in'. Not so. While things certainly can be put 'there' (although only 'things' belonging to your husband, ladies, remember...), the... Girls, a User Guide: Part 2 - F - H
F is for Feet... Ah feet. Unjustly reviled as icky, nasty, gross and only good for allowing the owner of a pair to wear foxy shoes. "but feet are all gross and smelly" I hear you cry. Well, just for... Girls, a User Guide: Part 1 - B-E
B is for Breasts... Boobs. Boobies. Bazookas. Bristols. Baps. Breasticles. Bags of fun (and that was without the use of a Roget's Profanisaurus, which undoubtedly has several more, if you're so inclined). Lots of B words for 'em, lots of... California Drink Sombreros
Hi, Dudes. And Dudesses. Or Dudettas. Or, if you like, Dudes as well. We're easy here. None of that formal grammar shit is gonna get us down, man. The surfing poetry Professor, Doctor Pockless sticks with the true blue taste... Techniquality
It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it. -Funboy Three, feat. Bananarama. A great message and maxim for our time. Run the marathon. And regardless of effort, dedication and your personal sacrifice and immense achievement, you're... The Joy of Corruption: The Clock's Homework Club
Kate is hardcore. She has cast off the bounds of the conventional Uborka collaboration. We did kind of agree that as she produced the sparkling gem that is the Sandbox Series, that I would come up with child-like analysis of... Sandbox Lamentations, Vol. 2
May 21 Age 8 I can put my hands all the way round my waist. Coooooool.... Sandbox Lamentations, Vol. 1
June 10 Age 7 My sister and brother are assholes.... Sandbox Lamentations: Introduction
Somewhere in my childhood self, an effusive diarist lurked. I'm certain of it. Had I mastery enough of my little hands to wield skinny sticks with lead or ink inside, my early years would be in paperback by now. No,... Coffees Off
The Good Doctor Pockless sits enjoying his plain white coffee in his favourite armchair, with the rare inverted chockmark covers he had specially made in Kowloon. After a hard day knocking some nonsense into his students, all he wants is... Blame Attribution II
STUART PROBABLY DIDN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING TO WRITE BECAUSE HE WAS TOO BUSY SAYING MUSHY THINGS TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS OVER THE PHONE ALL WEEKEND... First Letter to the Uborkites
I. Good morning. II. Kate and I would like to bid you glad tidings from our combined realms, in this, the beginning of the time of our visitation to The Domain Of The Cucumber. III. Verily, Kate did say unto... A little something to cure what ails you...
Oh dear, it's worse that I thought. You guys have major issues that a virtual cocktail may not fix. All I can do is try, so here goes nothing... I may be no expert, but Lyle thinks that he has... T.B. writes
I have a problem with my relationship. I'm British, and I used to go out with this European. We got on well but I argued a lot with the family. Now, I'm seeing an American, but every time we go... K.C. writes
I am truly, madly, deeply, profoundly, intensely in love with my soulmate whom I love madly and deeply and profoundly. He is absolutely perfect in every way. I do, however, have one teensy-weensy problem. My snuggle bunny is three feet... U.P. writes
My problem has been bothering me for quite a while now, but only recently has it grown to near-monumental proportions. The voices in my head keep telling me to do things. Bad things. I used to be able to fend... K.H. writes (II)
My boyfriend, the crazy fool, has just accidentally deleted our weblog. This wouldn't matter so much if it wasn't mostly being written by other people these days, but as it is, all those contributions have been cruelly wiped off the...